Lot back of an Orphan Asylum, and they ought
to put a Trained Nurse on Third, and the Dummy at Right needed an
Automobile, and the New Man couldn't jump out of a Boat and hit the
Water, and the Short-Stop wouldn't be able to pick up a Ball if it was
handed to him on a Platter with Water Cress around it, and the Easy One
to Third that ought to have been Sponge Cake was fielded like a
One-Legged Man with St. Vitus dance trying to do the Nashville Salute.

[Illustration: THE FAN]

Of course she never knew what he was Talking about, but she put up with
it, Year after Year, mixing Throat Gargle for him and reading the Games
to him when he was having his Eyes tested and had to wear a Green Shade.

At last he came to his Ninth Inning and there were Two Strikes called
and no Balls, and his Friends knew it was All Day with him. They stood
around and tried to forget that he was a Fan. His Wife wept softly and
consoled herself with the Thought that possibly he would have amounted
to Something if there had been no National Game. She forgave Everything
and pleaded for one Final Message. His Lips moved. She leaned over and
Listened. He wanted to know if there was Anything in the Morning Papers
about the Condition of Bill Lange's Knee.

MORAL: _There is a Specific Bacillus for every Classified Disease._

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ GOOD FAIRY _WITH THE_ LORGNETTE, _AND WHY_ SHE GOT
_IT_ GOOD

Once Upon a Time there was a Broad Girl who had nothing else to do and
no Children to look after, so she thought she would be Benevolent.

She had scared all the Red Corpuscles out of the 2 by 4 Midget who
rotated about her in a Limited Orbit and was known by Courtesy as her
Husband. He was Soft for her, and so she got it Mapped out with Herself
that she was a Superior Woman.

She knew that when she switched the Current on to herself she Used up
about 6,000 Ohms an hour, and the whole Neighborhood had to put on
Blinders.

She had read about nine Subscription Books with Cupid and Dove
Tail-Pieces and she believed that she could get away with any Topic that
was batted up to her and then slam it over to Second in time to head off
the Runner.

Her clothes were full of Pin-Holes where she had been hanging Medals on
Herself, and she used to go in a Hand-Ball Court every Day and throw up
Bouquets, letting them bounce back and hit Her.

[Illustration: THE MIDGET]

Also, She would square off in front of a Camera every Two Weeks, and the
Ma