e me a quart!"

_What the "Grip" Is_

Asked what made him look so ill, an Irishman replied, "Faith, I had
the grip last winter." To draw him out the questioner asked, "What
is the grip, Patrick?"

"The grip!" he says. "Don't you know what the grip is? It's a
disease that makes you sick six months after you get well!"

_Wouldn't Have Been Strange_

Two women were strangers to each other at a reception. After a few
moments' desultory talk the first said rather querulously:

"I don't know what's the matter with that tall, blond gentleman over
there. He was so attentive a while ago, but he won't look at me now."

"Perhaps," said the other, "he saw me come in. He's my husband."

_A Place for Jeremiah_

A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on the
prophets. First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets. At last
he finished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief. He
took a long breath and continued: "Now I shall proceed to the major
prophets."

After the major prophets had received more than ample attention the
congregation gave another sigh of relief.

"Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the major
prophets, what about Jeremiah? Where is Jeremiah's place?"

At this point a tall man arose in the back of the church. "Jeremiah
can have my place," he said; "I'm going home."

_The One Thing He Wanted_

After waiting the usual five or ten minutes the new arrival was
served with the first dinner course of soup. Hesitating a moment as
he glanced at his plate, the guest said to the waiter:

"I can't eat this soup."

"I'll bring you another kind, sir," said the waiter as he took it
away.

"Neither can I eat this soup!" said the guest a trifle more
emphatically, when the second plate was served.

The waiter, angrily but silently, for the third time brought a plate
of soup.

"I simply can't eat this soup!" once more said the guest, in a low,
emphatic tone.

By this time the waiter was furious and called the hotel proprietor,
while the guests at the nearby table looked over that way with
curious glances.

"Really, sir, this is unusual. May I ask why can't you eat any of
our soups?" demanded the proprietor.

"Because I have no spoon," replied the guest quietly.

_Why He Would Like It_

The little son of the minister, at Sunday dinner, said at the family
table:

"Father, I wish I could be 'a doorkeeper in the House of the Lo