coat lapels. "Now, ma'am,
this work on eti----"

"Throw out your cud. If a gentleman uses tobacco he is careful not
to disgust others by the habit."

"Yes'm," and the tobacco disappeared. "Now, ma'am," as he wiped his
brow, "in calling your attention to this valuable----"

"Wait. Put that dirty handkerchief out of sight. I don't want your
book. I am only the hired girl. You can come in, however, and talk
with the lady of the house. She called me a liar this morning and I
think she needs something of the kind."

_Under Similar Conditions_

"Speaking of men falling in love and ardently pursuing the object of
their affections, you needn't make fun of any one, John. You were
bound to have me, but you can't say I ever ran after you."

"Very true, Anastasia, the trap never runs after the rat, but it
gathers him in all the same."

_His First Move_

A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized society
after an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at first
sight with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party.

On leaving the house that evening the young lady forgot her
overshoes, and the hostess, who had noticed the Westerner's
infatuation, told the young Lochinvar that he might return them to
the girl if he wished. The herder leaped at the chance and presented
himself in due time at the young lady's house. She greeted him
cordially.

"You forgot your overshoes last night," he said, awkwardly handing
her the package.

"Why, there's only one overshoe here!" she exclaimed, as she thanked
him and opened it.

"Yes, Miss," said he, blushing. "I'll bring the other one tomorrow.
Oh, how I wish that you were a centipede!" And with that he turned
and sped away down the street.

_His "Catch" Was Delayed_

Tommy went fishing the other day without his mother's permission.
The next morning one of his chums met him and asked: "Did you catch
anything yesterday, Tommy?"

"Not till I got home," was the rather sad response.

_Using His Friends_

A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during the
afternoon:

"By-the-way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could do
to get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or
something."

"Oh, no," replied the owner, "oh, no, that's all right."

"Why is it?" asked the visitor.

"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate
pumps two buckets of water into the tank on th