eye: "How are Mrs. Wood and all the little splinters?"

_She Didn't Sleep Well_

A woman who lives in an inland town, while going to a convention in a
distant city spent one night of the journey on board a steamboat. It
was the first time she had ever traveled by water. She reached her
journey's end extremely fatigued. To a friend who remarked it she
replied:

"Yes, I'm tired to death. I don't know as I care to travel by water
again. I read the card in my stateroom about how to put the
life-preserver on, and I thought I understood it; but I guess I
didn't. Somehow, I couldn't go to sleep with the thing on."

_They Planned a Little Surprise for Him_

On a west-bound train scheduled for a long trip a very large,
muscular man fell asleep and annoyed all the passengers by snoring
tremendously. Reading, conversation or quiet rest was an
impossibility. Finally a drummer, carrying half a lemon in his hand,
tiptoed over to a little boy who sat behind the snorer.

"Son," said the drummer impressively, "I am a doctor, and if that man
doesn't stop snoring he'll die of apoplexy. Watch your chance, and
as soon as his mouth opens a little wider, lean over and squeeze this
lemon into it."

_He Knew Only One_

A teacher had been telling her class of boys that recently worms had
become so numerous that they destroyed the crops, and it was
necessary to import the English sparrow to exterminate them. The
sparrows multiplied very fast and were gradually driving away our
native birds.

Johnny was apparently very inattentive, and the teacher, thinking to
catch him napping, said;

"Johnny, which is worse, to have worms or sparrows?"

Johnny hesitated a moment and then replied:

"Please, I never had the sparrows."

_He Proved It Was Logical_

A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to
the court:

"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at
all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right
arm and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client's arm is not
himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual
for an offense committed by only one of his limbs."

"That argument," said the judge, "is very well put. Following it
logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer's assistance unscrewed his
cork ar