g or any other merchandise must also got to be a
certified public accountant, an expert of high-grade words from the
English language, a liar, a detective, and should also be able to take
the stand on his own behalf in such a level-head way that the assistant
district attorney couldn't get him rattled on cross-examination."

"Well, my advice to these test-case fellers, Abe," Morris concluded, "is
this: Be patriotic now. Don't wait till you're indicted."

XIX

MR. WILSON: THAT'S ALL

Potash and Perlmutter discuss the Chamberlain suggestion.

"You know how it is yourself, Mawruss," Abe Potash said, one morning in
January. "If you would see somebody nailing up something your first idee
is to say: 'Here, give me that hammer. Is that a way to nail up a
packing-case?' And then, if you went to work and showed him how, the
chances is that before you get through the packing-case would look like
it had been nailed up with a charge of shrapnel, and for six months
people would be asking you what's the matter with your sore thumb.
Painting is the same way. There's mighty few people which could see
anybody else doing a home job of enameling without they would want to
grab ahold of the brush and get themselves covered with enamel from head
to foot, y'understand. So can you imagine the way Mr. Roosevelt is
feeling about this war, Mawruss?"

"Well, you've got to hand it to Mr. Roosevelt," Morris Perlmutter said.
"He has had some small experience in that line, although, at that,
you've got to take his statements of what ain't being done to run the
war right with a grain of salt, Abe, whereas with Senator Chamberlain,
y'understand, when he says that the President ain't running the war
right according to the idees of a man which used to was a practising
lawyer and politician out in the state of Oregon, y'understand, and,
therefore, Abe, his speeches should ought to be barred by the Food
Conservation Commission as being contrary to the Save the Salt
movement."

"But even Mr. Roosevelt, which he may or may not know anything about
running a modern army, as the case may be and probably ain't, Mawruss,
because lots of changes has come about in the running of armies since
Mr. Roosevelt went out of the business, Mawruss," Abe said, "but as I
was saying, Mawruss, even Mr. Roosevelt, as big a patriot as _he_ is,
y'understand, ain't above spoiling a perfectly good job half done by Mr.
Wilson, because he just couldn't resist saying