the day after it opens," Abe observed, "and then they might have
something to go by. As it is, a whole lot of newspaper crickets is like
doctors which says there is absolutely nothing the matter with the
patient only ten days before the automobile cortege leaves his late
residence."

"But there is more of them like doctors which says that the patient may
live two days and he may live two weeks, y'understand, and four weeks
later he is put in Class One and leaves for Camp Upton with the next
contingent," Morris said. "Take even 'Hamlet,' Abe, which I can remember
since 'way before the Spanish war already, and I bet yer when that show
was put on there was some crickets which said that John Drew or whoever
it was which first took 'Hamlet' did the best he could with a rotten
part and headed the article, 'John Drew scores in dull play at
Fifty-first Street Theater.'"

"Even so, Mawruss," Abe said, "that wouldn't feaze J.H. Woods or whoever
the manager was which first put on 'Hamlet,' because we would say, for
example, that the cricket of the New York _Star-Gazette_ said, 'Hamlet'
would be an A-number-one play if it had been written by a pants-presser
in his off moments, but as the serious work of a professional
play-designer it ain't worth a moment's consideration; also the cricket
of the New York _Record_ says, From the liberal applause at the end of
the third act 'Hamlet' might have been the most brilliant drama since
'The Easiest Way' instead of a play full of clack-trap scenes and which
will positively meet the _capora_ it deserves, y'understand.
Furthermore, Mawruss, we would say that every other paper says the same
thing and also roasts the play, y'understand, so what does this here
Woods do? Does he lay right down and notify the operators that under the
by-laws of the Actors' Union they should please consider that they have
received the usual two weeks' notice that the show will close the next
night? _Oser a Stueck!_ The next day he puts in every paper for two
hundred and twenty-five dollars an advertisement:

FIFTY-FIRST STREET THEATER
J.H. WOODS ..... LESSEE
J.H. WOODS
PRESENTS
'HAMLET'
THE SEASON'S SENSATION!

An A-number-one play.--_New York Star-Gazette._

Most brilliant drama since 'The Easiest Way.'--_New York Record._

John Drew scores heavily.--_New York Evening Moon._"

"Well, I'll tell you," Morris said; "while I admit that the theayter
crickets is smart fellers and knows all about the r