to keep our hair on in a crisis was paid
last week at the Bow County Court by an itinerant vendor of a hair
restorer. He informed the Court that since the war there had been no
demand for his goods.

* * *

A correspondent writes to _The Times_ to object to the nickname
"Tommies" applied to our soldiers. "Thomases" would undoubtedly be more
respectful and dignified.

* * *

An original production of _Everyman_ is to be given at the Cathedral
Hall, Westminster, on the 12th, 13th and 14th instant, in aid of the
Actors' Benevolent Fund. We trust that Everyman will do his duty and
bring in a large sum for this admirable object.

* * *

The French authorities have seized ten race-horses stabled at St.
Symphorien, near Tours, which belonged to M. MUMM, of the famous
champagne firm, who is a German subject. Motto for those Germans who
were captured speechless in the neighbourhood of Rheims:--"Mumm's the
word!"

* * *

We note that there is a strong cast in _The Glad Eye_ which has made its
appearance again.

* * *

Which reminds us that they are calling a certain cheery correspondent on
our Generalissimo's Staff "The Glad Eye Witness."

* * *

The latest news from South Africa would seem to show that Beyers are
sometimes sold.

* * * * *

Illustration: "NOT BIG ENOUGH! D'YER KNOW 'OO I AM? D'YER KNOW FOIVE
YEAR AGO I WAS CHAMPION LIGHT-WEIGHT OF WAPPING?"

"I'VE NO DOUBT YOU'RE A GOOD MAN; BUT, YOU SEE, YOU DON'T COME UP TO THE
REQUIRED MEASUREMENTS, SO I'M AFRAID THAT'S THE END OF IT."

"OH, ALL RIGHT, THEN. ONLY, MIND YER, IF YER GO AN' LOSE THIS 'ERE
WAR--WELL, DON'T BLAME _ME_--THAT'S ALL!"

* * * * *

THE FLASH-LIGHT THAT FAILED.

(_Lines suggested by a recent incident on the Firth of Forth._)

There was a young alien in Fife
Who on spying was keen as a knife,
Till a sentry--good egg!--
Plugged him bang through the leg
And ruined his prospects for life.

* * * * *

"Along the coast the French Fleet are now aiding the British
monitors, smashing the heavy buns rolled up to the coast by the
Germans."

In the heavy bun department we fear no rivals, and the Germans will soon
find that in more than one railway-station refreshment department they
will meet their Waterloo.

* * * * *

TO A FALSE PATRIOT