edly this morning. He had framed it precisely on the
model of his house-master's reports:--

_Position in Form._ First.

_Progress._ Very marked; decidedly more attentive and industrious.

_Latin._ A distinct improvement in versification. Translates easily and
intelligently.

_Greek._ Displays remarkable promise.

("Of course it won't be much use to him in my leather business," I said
to my wife; "still it shows grit.")

_Mathematics._ Again marked progress is to be recorded.

_Conduct._ Courteous, orderly, obedient. A good influence in the house.

_General Remarks._ Will achieve a high position in the school, but must
take care that too close absorption in study does not interfere with his
athletic development.

"Most gratifying," I said to my wife. "I just put the boy on his honour.
I don't believe in lecturing boys. Ah, what's this at the bottom?"

I read with horror the foot-note, "_Per_ Wireless from Berlin."

I am a parent, so I instructed my wife to write a letter saying how much
I was pained by William's frivolity. I am a patriot, so, without her
knowledge, I slipped a postal order for ten shillings into the envelope.

* * * * *

We hear there is no truth in the report that Mr. JAMES WELCH intends
renaming his successful farce (now moved to the New Theatre) "When
Nights Were Dark."

* * * * *

Illustration:

_Visitor_ (_leaving inn after sleepless night_). "I SUPPOSE YOU DON'T
HAPPEN TO BE A GERMAN?"

_Landlord._ "DO I LOOK LIKE IT?"

_Visitor._ "NO; BUT I THOUGHT I'D JUST ASK BECAUSE MY ROOM LAST NIGHT
HAD A CONCRETE BED IN IT."

* * * * *

THE GREAT PETARD.

(_Being some further reliable information about the enormous siege gun
which is to shell us from Calais._)

This is the tale of the Master Hun
And how, on thinking it over,
He bade his henchmen build him a gun
With a belly as huge as the Heidelberg Tun
To batter the cliffs of Dover.

See how the Uhlans' lances toss!
As a mother her child they love it;
Guarding it well from scathe and loss
They have stamped its side with a big Red Cross,
And the white flag waves above it.

First it was cast in Essen town;
Junkers in gay apparel
Flocked to sample its high renown,
And a dozen or more, they say, sat down
To dinner inside its barrel.

Fair and free did the Rhine wine flow
Till the f