ver that it was butter after all. As similar
incidents have occurred in many other establishments it is suggested
that margarine should in future be dyed scarlet or blue in order to
prevent a repetition of these embarrassing contretemps.

***

Sir JOHN SIMON, in the debate on the Compulsion Bill, said that the
alleged 650,000 slackers were arrived at "by subtracting two figures
from one another." Everyone must agree with him that if that was the
method employed the result would be "negligible."

***

In a tram-car in a Northern city, as the girl-conductor went round for
fares, a "nut" tried to take a rise out of her by asking for a ticket to
"Gallipoli." She charged him for the full length of the tram journey,
and as soon as the tram arrived at a recruiting office she rang the bell
and said, "You change here, Sir, for Gallipoli."

***

The KAISER thinks it very mean of the British Government to turn his
Corfu palace into a hospital. His submarine commanders are now wondering
how to shell the inmates without damaging their master's property.

***

The Militant Suffragette who some years ago damaged the Velasquez Venus
with an axe has just published a novel, of which the hero is a plumber
who thought he was a poet. It ought to be called "The Burst Pipe," but
isn't.

***

Women are now employed on some of the railways in the North. A traveller
recently had two Tommies for fellow-passengers. They related that they
had every week to take a long slow duty journey which was "the limit";
but lately it had taken on a different aspect, for "_now_," said Tommy,
"when you get too bored you just hop out and kiss the porter."

***

Extract from a letter written to a loved one from the Front:--

"I received your dear little note in a sandbag. You say that you
hope the sandbag stops a bullet. Well, to tell the truth, I hope
it don't, as I have been patching my trousers with it."

***

PRINCE VON BUELOW, who has been for some time in Switzerland, has
obtained an increase in the number of his secretaries, of whom he now
has a round dozen. Several of the poor fellows are suffering from
writer's cramp through having to pen so many letters explaining that the
Prince is at Lucerne purely for the sake of his health.

* * * * *

[Illustration:

_Fiery Major_ (_discussing delinquent Subaltern_). "But there--what can
you expect? H