herwise
admirable regulations fail to provide, and we beg leave to suggest to
the Municipal Council of Wilhelmshaven the following additions:--

(1) It is unpatriotic and un-German to spend more time than necessary in
driving in nails, as standing-room, the number of hammers and the
patience of the officials are all limited.

(2) The limit of time allowed for driving in one nail is one minute, for
a silver nail two minutes, for a small gold nail two and a-half minutes
and for a large gold nail three minutes.

(3) If in any case the time-limit is exceeded the Municipal nail-driver
will displace the person whose lack of skill is responsible for the
delay and will drive home the offending nail himself.

(4) If any person offers resistance to this procedure he or she will be
nailed to the statue by the Municipal nail-driver as a warning to
others. A large _iron_ nail will be used for this purpose, the charge
for which will be added to the death-duties.

(5) It is unpatriotic and un-German to use bad language when driving in
nails. However, in view of the well-known tenderness of the human heart
and the high state of nervous tension in which many persons of an ardent
patriotic disposition may be expected to perform this supreme act of
symbolic devotion, those who drive in iron nails will be allowed to
swear once for each nail, or seven times for half-a-dozen nails, whilst
a higher proportion of swear words will be allowed for silver and gold
nails, on the progressive lines laid down in (2).

(6) Anyone exceeding the patriotic limit of bad language will be dealt
with by the Municipal nail-driver as in (4).

(7) Classes of instruction in nail-driving will be held in the Town-hall
daily between 10 and 11 A.M. (Sundays excepted).

(8) Persons who wish to be photographed in the act of nail-driving must
give notice to the Municipal photographer two days in advance. The cost
of the photograph will naturally be in inverse proportion to the value
of the nail which is driven in.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "Bejabers! If you're gettin' on, I'm gettin' off!"]

* * * * *

"Hon. John Fellowes Wallop, of Barton House, Morchard Bishop,
brother and heir-presumptive of the Earl of Portsmouth, entered
his 57th pear on Monday."

_Western Times._

We congratulate him on his digestion.

* * * * *

NIGHT OPERA