, relating his experiences in a weekly
magazine, mentions that he once found a perfectly good alarum-clock on
the doorstep of a neighbour's house. Further investigation would, no
doubt, have resulted in the discovery of the milk-jug on the bedroom
mantelpiece.

***

"A young man should kiss a girl on either the left or the right
cheek," says a writer on hygiene in a weekly paper. As the option of
either cheek is given, many young men will no doubt hesitate between
the two.

***

An evening paper reports that a live shell was found "laying" in
an open field near Southend. This seems a sure sign that the
nesting-season is now in full swing, and it seems a pity that we did
not think of this method of shell-production during the War.

***

"No honest German," says Herr SCHEIDEMANN, "can possibly sign the
Peace Treaty." The best plan, perhaps, would be to call for volunteers
and take the risk as to qualification.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Boxer (amidst a babel of advice_). "LOOK 'ERE--CHUCK
IT! I GOT DEMOBILISED AS A _ONE-MAN_ BUSINESS."]

* * * * *

From a recent law-report:--

"I say 'Civis Britannicus Sam.'"--_Evening Paper_.

It is proposed, we understand, to adopt this as the motto of the
Anglo-American Union.

* * * * *

BREST-BUCHAREST-VERSAILLES.

Oh, those were palmy days at Brest!
You had no sort of scruples then;
You knelt at ease on Russia's chest,
Dipped in her blood your iron pen,
Dictated terms the most abhorrent
And made her sign her own death-warrant.

At Bucharest 'twas much the same:
You had Roumania under heel;
No pity here nor generous shame,
But just the argument of steel,
The logic of the butcher's knife--
And so she signed away her life.

These object-lessons learnt by rote,
As once we learnt your poison-gas,
Your pupils now are shocked to note
How Teuton wits, a little crass,
Mistake for rude assault and battery
Our imitation's feeble flattery.

We could not copy, line for line,
The perfect models made by you;
Yet the ideals they enshrine
We dimly strove to keep in view,
Trying to draft, with broad effect,
The kind of Peace that you'd expect.

Our efforts miss the cultured touch
By which we saw your own inspired;
They leave--beside the model--much,
Oh very much to be