ommission Mr. Justice Bland, the President, said he
felt sure he would be voicing the feelings of all present in tendering
his congratulations to Sir Leonardo Spaghetti Coyne on his elevation
to the peerage as Viscount Vermicelli of Milan, and to Mr. Gladney
Jebb on receiving the honour of K.P.O. (Knight of the Proletarian
Order).

A memorandum on the economics of the Russian Ballet and the probable
cost of its reorganisation on a Marxian basis was read by Mr.
Ploffskin of the Garden City Gymnosophist Guild. By a scheme for a
uniform salary for all dancers, compulsory vegetarian diet, and the
exclusive use of the balalaika, Mr. Ploffskin was of opinion that
a Bolshevist Ballet might be safely organised so as to satisfy the
artistic aspirations of the proletariat and counteract the pernicious
influences of the pseudo-Ethiopian style affected by the idle rich.

Examined by Sir Edwin Edgar, O.M., Mr. Ploffskin admitted that none of
the famous Russian composers of recent years had associated themselves
with the Revolutionary movement, and that the Russian Ballet had
originally been an integral part of the Imperial Opera. But he had no
doubt that on a proper proletarian basis it would function with a
far more beneficent activity. He pointed out that there was a strong
facial resemblance between TROTSKY and M. PADEREWSKI, and between
LENIN and BEETHOVEN. In reply to a question from Mr. Moody MacTear,
Mr. Ploffskin said that he had been down a coal-mine in Siberia.

Sir Mark Holloway, who next occupied the witness's chair, admitted,
in reply to the questions of Sir Gladney Jebb, that, since his student
days, he had seldom been engaged in manual labour on any instrument
for more than two hours a day. It was not necessary for a conductor.
But he knew of pianists who practised for six or even eight hours a
day with impunity.

_Sir Gladney Jebb_. Do you not think that if all compositions were
written in the key of C it would materially conduce to the greatest
happiness of the greatest number?--The President has already
deprecated the multiplication of hypothetical questions, which have
reached a total of more than fifteen thousand.

_Viscount Vermicelli_. Do you think that the unrestrained performance
of Jazz-music conduces to the moral betterment of the simian
proletariat?--That seems to me to be a question which bears on the
administration of the Unnecessary Noises Act.

Are you in favour of the establishment of a Ministr