" asked the German.

"Oh, no, never!" exclaimed the soldier.

"Waiter, a pint of beer and a beefsteak with potatoes for this brave
man," ordered the civilian.

"And your pals sitting at the next table--would they also not shoot
the Germans if they tried to invade this country?"

"Oh, no, never," retorted the Swiss.

"Waiter, a glass of beer for each of the soldiers at the next table!"
ordered the civilian.

And addressing again the soldier, he asked: "Is this generally the
view held in the Swiss Army in regard to a possible German invasion?
Are all the Swiss soldiers so Germanophil?"

"I don't know," replied the soldier.

"But why would you not shoot the Germans?"

"Because we belong to the band."

OFFICER (to private)--"What are you doing down in that shell-hole?
Didn't you hear me say we were out against four to one?"

GEORDIE (a trade-unionist)--"Ay. Aa heard you; but aa've killed ma
fower."--_Punch_.

"The army must be a terrible place," said Aunt Samanthy, looking up
from the evening paper.

"What makes you think so, Samanthy?" asked her dutiful spouse.

"Why, jest think what it must be where beds is bunk and meals is a
mess."

Said the colored lad as he was being mustered out, on being asked
what train he was going to take for home: "Boss, I ain't gonna take
no train. I lives two hundred miles away, and I'se gonna run the first
eighteen, just to make sure they don't change their minds befo' I
leave camp."

A factory foreman who had some 300 hands under him went into the army,
became a captain of a company and could not get into the habit of
calling his soldiers men, but invariably referred to them as my
"hands." Imagine, therefore, the surprise of his commanding officer
when the captain turned in a report of an engagement, in which he
said he "had the very good fortune to have only one of my 'hands' shot
through the nose."

"Were you happy when you started for France?"

"Happy? We were in transports."

_See also_ Conscription; Military discipline.

ART AND ARTISTS

HENRY--"He may be a great artist, but he has a peculiar way of doing
things."

HAPPY--"How's that?"

HENRY--"He says he painted his greatest masterpiece on an empty
stomach."

_Impressionistic_

Whistler once undertook to get a fellow artist's work into the autumn
salon. He succeeded, and the picture was hung. But the painter, going
to see his masterpiece with Whistler on varnishing day, uttered