n idea. Later on I saw and fully
realized that I perhaps was not so passionately in love with her at all,
but only recognized the elevation of her mind and character, which I could
not indeed have helped doing. I was prevented, however, from making her an
offer at the time by my selfishness, I was loath to part with the
allurements of my free and licentious bachelor life in the heyday of my
youth, and with my pockets full of money. I did drop some hint as to my
feelings however, though I put off taking any decisive step for a time.
Then, all of a sudden, we were ordered off for two months to another
district.

On my return two months later, I found the young lady already married to a
rich neighboring landowner, a very amiable man, still young though older
than I was, connected with the best Petersburg society, which I was not,
and of excellent education, which I also was not. I was so overwhelmed at
this unexpected circumstance that my mind was positively clouded. The
worst of it all was that, as I learned then, the young landowner had been
a long while betrothed to her, and I had met him indeed many times in her
house, but blinded by my conceit I had noticed nothing. And this
particularly mortified me; almost everybody had known all about it, while
I knew nothing. I was filled with sudden irrepressible fury. With flushed
face I began recalling how often I had been on the point of declaring my
love to her, and as she had not attempted to stop me or to warn me, she
must, I concluded, have been laughing at me all the time. Later on, of
course, I reflected and remembered that she had been very far from
laughing at me; on the contrary, she used to turn off any love-making on
my part with a jest and begin talking of other subjects; but at that
moment I was incapable of reflecting and was all eagerness for revenge. I
am surprised to remember that my wrath and revengeful feelings were
extremely repugnant to my own nature, for being of an easy temper, I found
it difficult to be angry with any one for long, and so I had to work
myself up artificially and became at last revolting and absurd.

I waited for an opportunity and succeeded in insulting my "rival" in the
presence of a large company. I insulted him on a perfectly extraneous
pretext, jeering at his opinion upon an important public event--it was in
the year 1826(5)--and my jeer was, so people said, clever and effective.
Then I forced him to ask for an explanation, and beha