ved so rudely that he
accepted my challenge in spite of the vast inequality between us, as I was
younger, a person of no consequence, and of inferior rank. I learned
afterwards for a fact that it was from a jealous feeling on his side also
that my challenge was accepted; he had been rather jealous of me on his
wife's account before their marriage; he fancied now that if he submitted
to be insulted by me and refused to accept my challenge, and if she heard
of it, she might begin to despise him and waver in her love for him. I
soon found a second in a comrade, an ensign of our regiment. In those days
though duels were severely punished, yet dueling was a kind of fashion
among the officers--so strong and deeply rooted will a brutal prejudice
sometimes be.

It was the end of June, and our meeting was to take place at seven o'clock
the next day on the outskirts of the town--and then something happened that
in very truth was the turning-point of my life. In the evening, returning
home in a savage and brutal humor, I flew into a rage with my orderly
Afanasy, and gave him two blows in the face with all my might, so that it
was covered with blood. He had not long been in my service and I had
struck him before, but never with such ferocious cruelty. And, believe me,
though it's forty years ago, I recall it now with shame and pain. I went
to bed and slept for about three hours; when I waked up the day was
breaking. I got up--I did not want to sleep any more--I went to the
window--opened it, it looked out upon the garden; I saw the sun rising; it
was warm and beautiful, the birds were singing.

"What's the meaning of it?" I thought. "I feel in my heart as it were
something vile and shameful. Is it because I am going to shed blood? No,"
I thought, "I feel it's not that. Can it be that I am afraid of death,
afraid of being killed? No, that's not it, that's not it at all."... And
all at once I knew what it was: it was because I had beaten Afanasy the
evening before! It all rose before my mind, it all was as it were repeated
over again; he stood before me and I was beating him straight on the face
and he was holding his arms stiffly down, his head erect, his eyes fixed
upon me as though on parade. He staggered at every blow and did not even
dare to raise his hands to protect himself. That is what a man has been
brought to, and that was a man beating a fellow creature! What a crime! It
was as though a sharp dagger had pierced me right t