t will be heaven for me, heaven, the moment I confess. Fourteen
years I've been in hell. I want to suffer. I will take my punishment and
begin to live. You can pass through the world doing wrong, but there's no
turning back. Now I dare not love my neighbor nor even my own children.
Good God, my children will understand, perhaps, what my punishment has
cost me and will not condemn me! God is not in strength but in truth."

"All will understand your sacrifice," I said to him, "if not at once, they
will understand later; for you have served truth, the higher truth, not of
the earth."

And he would go away seeming comforted, but next day he would come again,
bitter, pale, sarcastic.

"Every time I come to you, you look at me so inquisitively as though to
say, 'He has still not confessed!' Wait a bit, don't despise me too much.
It's not such an easy thing to do, as you would think. Perhaps I shall not
do it at all. You won't go and inform against me then, will you?"

And far from looking at him with indiscreet curiosity, I was afraid to
look at him at all. I was quite ill from anxiety, and my heart was full of
tears. I could not sleep at night.

"I have just come from my wife," he went on. "Do you understand what the
word 'wife' means? When I went out, the children called to me, 'Good-by,
father, make haste back to read _The Children's Magazine_ with us.' No,
you don't understand that! No one is wise from another man's woe."

His eyes were glittering, his lips were twitching. Suddenly he struck the
table with his fist so that everything on it danced--it was the first time
he had done such a thing, he was such a mild man.

"But need I?" he exclaimed, "must I? No one has been condemned, no one has
been sent to Siberia in my place, the man died of fever. And I've been
punished by my sufferings for the blood I shed. And I shan't be believed,
they won't believe my proofs. Need I confess, need I? I am ready to go on
suffering all my life for the blood I have shed, if only my wife and
children may be spared. Will it be just to ruin them with me? Aren't we
making a mistake? What is right in this case? And will people recognize
it, will they appreciate it, will they respect it?"

"Good Lord!" I thought to myself, "he is thinking of other people's
respect at such a moment!" And I felt so sorry for him then, that I
believe I would have shared his fate if it could have comforted him. I saw
he was beside himself. I was aghast, rea