I don't confess?' And if you
had been at the other end of the earth, but alive, it would have been all
the same, the thought was unendurable that you were alive knowing
everything and condemning me. I hated you as though you were the cause, as
though you were to blame for everything. I came back to you then,
remembering that you had a dagger lying on your table. I sat down and
asked you to sit down, and for a whole minute I pondered. If I had killed
you, I should have been ruined by that murder even if I had not confessed
the other. But I didn't think about that at all, and I didn't want to
think of it at that moment. I only hated you and longed to revenge myself
on you for everything. The Lord vanquished the devil in my heart. But let
me tell you, you were never nearer death."

A week later he died. The whole town followed him to the grave. The chief
priest made a speech full of feeling. All lamented the terrible illness
that had cut short his days. But all the town was up in arms against me
after the funeral, and people even refused to see me. Some, at first a few
and afterwards more, began indeed to believe in the truth of his story,
and they visited me and questioned me with great interest and eagerness,
for man loves to see the downfall and disgrace of the righteous. But I
held my tongue, and very shortly after, I left the town, and five months
later by God's grace I entered upon the safe and blessed path, praising
the unseen finger which had guided me so clearly to it. But I remember in
my prayer to this day, the servant of God, Mihail, who suffered so
greatly.

Chapter III. Conversations And Exhortations Of Father Zossima

_(e) The Russian Monk and his possible Significance_

Fathers and teachers, what is the monk? In the cultivated world the word
is nowadays pronounced by some people with a jeer, and by others it is
used as a term of abuse, and this contempt for the monk is growing. It is
true, alas, it is true, that there are many sluggards, gluttons,
profligates and insolent beggars among monks. Educated people point to
these: "You are idlers, useless members of society, you live on the labor
of others, you are shameless beggars." And yet how many meek and humble
monks there are, yearning for solitude and fervent prayer in peace! These
are less noticed, or passed over in silence. And how surprised men would
be if I were to say that from these meek monks, who yearn for solitary
prayer, the salvation of