t, but his illness and
death soon set his mind at rest, for the man's death was apparently (so he
reflected at the time) not owing to his arrest or his fright, but a chill
he had taken on the day he ran away, when he had lain all night dead drunk
on the damp ground. The theft of the money and other things troubled him
little, for he argued that the theft had not been committed for gain but
to avert suspicion. The sum stolen was small, and he shortly afterwards
subscribed the whole of it, and much more, towards the funds for
maintaining an almshouse in the town. He did this on purpose to set his
conscience at rest about the theft, and it's a remarkable fact that for a
long time he really was at peace--he told me this himself. He entered then
upon a career of great activity in the service, volunteered for a
difficult and laborious duty, which occupied him two years, and being a
man of strong will almost forgot the past. Whenever he recalled it, he
tried not to think of it at all. He became active in philanthropy too,
founded and helped to maintain many institutions in the town, did a good
deal in the two capitals, and in both Moscow and Petersburg was elected a
member of philanthropic societies.

At last, however, he began brooding over the past, and the strain of it
was too much for him. Then he was attracted by a fine and intelligent girl
and soon after married her, hoping that marriage would dispel his lonely
depression, and that by entering on a new life and scrupulously doing his
duty to his wife and children, he would escape from old memories
altogether. But the very opposite of what he expected happened. He began,
even in the first month of his marriage, to be continually fretted by the
thought, "My wife loves me--but what if she knew?" When she first told him
that she would soon bear him a child, he was troubled. "I am giving life,
but I have taken life." Children came. "How dare I love them, teach and
educate them, how can I talk to them of virtue? I have shed blood." They
were splendid children, he longed to caress them; "and I can't look at
their innocent candid faces, I am unworthy."

At last he began to be bitterly and ominously haunted by the blood of his
murdered victim, by the young life he had destroyed, by the blood that
cried out for vengeance. He had begun to have awful dreams. But, being a
man of fortitude, he bore his suffering a long time, thinking: "I shall
expiate everything by this secret agony."