be more humiliating than the life we are
living, especially mine? For as to yourself, though by nature a
politician, you have yet avoided having any servitude peculiar to
yourself: you merely come under an appellation common to us all.[491]
But _I_, who, if I say what I ought about the Republic, am looked on as
mad, if what expediency dictates, as a slave, and if I say nothing, as
utterly crushed and helpless--what must I be suffering? Suffer, indeed,
I do, and all the more keenly that I cannot even shew my pain without
appearing ungrateful. Again: what if I should choose a life of
inactivity and take refuge in the harbour of retired leisure?
Impossible! Rather war and the camp! Am I to serve in the ranks after
refusing to be a general? I suppose I must. For I perceive you, too,
think so, you whom I wish that I had always obeyed. All that is left to
me now is, "You have drawn Sparta: make the best of it!" But, by
heavens, I can't: and I feel for Philoxenus,[492] who preferred a return
to gaol. However, in my present retirement I am thinking over how to
express my rejection of the old policy, and when we meet you will
strengthen me in it.

I notice that you have written to me at frequent intervals, but I
received all the letters at once. This circumstance increased my grief.
For I had read three to begin with, in which the report of Lentulus was
that he was a little better. Then came the thunderbolt of the fourth.
But it is not he, as I said, who is to be pitied, but we who are so
callous as to live on.[493] You remind me to write that essay on
Hortensius: I have digressed into other subjects, but have not forgotten
your charge. But, by heaven, at the first line I shrank from the task,
lest I, who seem to have acted foolishly in resenting his intemperate
conduct as a friend, should once more be foolishly rendering his
injurious treatment of me conspicuous, if I wrote anything; and at the
same time lest my high _morale_, manifested in my actions, should be
somewhat obscured in my writing, and this mode of taking satisfaction
should seem to imply a certain instability. But we shall see. Only be
sure to write me something as often as possible. I sent a letter to
Lucceius asking him to write the history of my consulship: be sure you
get it from him, for it is a very pretty bit of writing, and urge him to
use despatch, and thank him for having written me an answer saying that
he would do so. Go and see my house as often as y