that there is a something very much wanting in self-abuse: the
commingling of two human bodies who are _mentally_ as well as
physically in sympathy gives an electrical satisfaction which
quiets the whole nervous system. That at least has been my
experience.

"The gardener left and moved to the country. I then sometimes
visited _pissoirs_ or, as they are often called, 'panoramas'
(because they are round and one sees much there). What I saw in
the parks during the long summer nights was quite a revelation.
During the summer, when the husbands had sent their families in
the country, many of them led a very indiscreet life. What I saw
the first summer killed all the respect I had for elderly people.
I had always connected marriage and gray hairs with virtue and
morals; then I learnt otherwise. I must say I became about this
time a _sensual pig_. I knew how dangerous these places were on
account of the police and blackmailers, but that gave the hunt a
double zest. At this time I led a double life and was always
watching and analyzing myself. I had to do with heaps of men of
all classes. I was often offered money, but that I would on no
condition accept. To pay or to be paid kills every sort of erotic
feeling in me and always has done so. I once wished to experiment
with myself. I was offered a small sum of money by a former
schoolmaster. I accepted this just to see how it would affect me.
The next moment I threw the money as far away as possible. Then I
saw I had none of the prostitute nature in me. I was simply
overwhelmed with sensuality. I considered I was a criminal and
wished to see in how many ways my nature had the criminal
instinct. I wanted to see if I could become a thief. I stole a
silver button in a shop where antiquities were sold, but I went
to the shop the same day again and returned the button, without
the people knowing. I found I could not become a thief. Then the
question came. Why had I felt a criminal since my seventh year?
Was it my fault? If not, whose fault was it? Not till I studied
Freud's psychoanalytical system did I get a clear insight into my
own character.

"When I was 20 years of age I met a gentleman one night in a
heavy snow-storm. We walked and talked and understood each other.
He belonged to one of Sweden's first aristocratic families. He