hen my father's sister tried to take away my mother's
character. It was done in jealousy and spite, and my aunt had to
beg my parents' pardon. Outwardly the affair was patched up; but
I feel sure my father never really forgave his sister. Jews never
forgive.

"This event awoke in me a great hatred toward women, and it was
many years before I could at all control it.

"At the age of 14 I was much with a good-looking, musical
American, a year older than myself. One day, while romping, very
much the same thing occurred as with the groom. I still had no
sexual feelings. We remained good friends. I often wished to kiss
him. After the first time he would not allow it. He was very much
liked among the officers and so-called high society men, and had
always much money. About ten years later I heard he used to
accept money after intimate intercourse with those society men.

"During my fifteenth year I had great longing for sexual
intercourse with men. At this time the first signs of hair were
to be seen on my abdomen.

"At the age of 16 a gardener, a married man with family,
initiated me into mutual self-abuse. He lived in the back house
of the apartment house we then inhabited. He was about 40 years
of age, an ugly but muscularly developed man. These practices
took place in the cellar, to which there were three entrances. I
never allowed him to kiss me and the sight of his children always
awoke in me a great feeling of nausea. That was the natural
reaction of a bad conscience. For the man himself I had the
utmost contempt. This man told me of several parks and _pissoirs_
where men met, and I went to these places now and again for
erotic adventure.

"I must here relate that at the age of 16 my mother warned me
against self-abuse. It had the opposite effect, made me curious,
so I began at once. I have continued ever since, at least once a
day. (I have never had an involuntary emission in my whole life.)
Between 17 and 22 it became necessary for me to do so several
times a day. Working at art, painting, and above all music and
beauty have a strong influence over me and set my erotic longings
in violent motion. I have never found this do me any harm.
Abstinence, on the other hand, has a very harmful effect on me,
upsetting the whole nervous and physical system. I often find