my youth: older than myself by
only three years, he was of fine build and athletic, with
adolescence showing in his face; my tremulous beginnings of
worship were confirmed by a word of encouragement thrown to me
one day as I went to receive my first flogging; no doubt my
small, scared face excited his kind pity. I made it my concern
afterward to let him know that I had not cried under the ordeal,
and I believe he passed the word around that I had taken my
punishment pluckily. So little contact had I with him that beyond
constant worship on my part I remember nothing till, about three
years later, I received from him a kind, half-joking
solicitation, spoken in clean and simple language. So terrific
was my shyness and secrecy that I had even then no idea that
familiarity of the sort was common enough in schools. I was
absolutely unable to connect my own sensations with those of the
world at large or to believe that others felt as I did. On this
occasion I simply felt that some shrewd thrust had been made at
me for the detection of my secret. He had drawn me upon his knee;
I sat there silent, flushing and dumbfounded. He made no attempt
to press me; he had, as he thought, said enough if I chose to be
reciprocal; beyond that he would not tempt me. A few years ago I
heard of him married and prosperous.

"In following up my emotions in this direction I have far
outstripped the period up to which I have given a complete
exposition of my development. I must have been more than 12 years
old before school life persuaded me to face (as taught by
sniggering novices) the actual facts of sexual intercourse. At
the same time I learned that I had means of extracting enjoyment
from my own body in a definite direction which I had not till
then suspected. A growing resistance on my part to his cold
desires had led to a break with my former intimate; to the last
he had taught me nothing, except distaste for himself. I now
found ready teachers right and left of me. One of my
schoolfellows invited me to watch; him in the process of
masturbation; the spectacle left me quite unmoved; the result
appeared to me far less exciting than the discharge of urine
which, until then, I had associated with male virility. I was so
accustomed to my own lone amorous broodings that the effort and
action requ