ealize the true reason of his coldness. But I
felt utterly miserable. When I met a noble woman whom I had long
known I asked her to be my wife and she consented. Although I
told her very soon, and long before our marriage, of my
limitations as a husband and of my continued longing for my
friend, I feel now I did a great wrong, and I cannot understand
why I was not more conscious of this at the time; that I was to a
certain extent deceiving her relations was inevitable. I had
expected to devote my life in making her happy, but I soon found
that the true reason of my friend's apparent unfaithfulness was
my own action, combined with a feeling on his part that it was as
well that our affection should cease even at the cost of
misunderstanding. Since then, three years ago, I have not had a
happy day or night, and am therefore quite unable to promote
happiness in others. Without my friend, I can find no
satisfaction with wife, child, or home. Life has become almost
unbearable. Often I have seriously thought of committing suicide,
only to postpone it to a time which would be less cruelly
inopportune to others. I see my friend (now married) almost
daily, and suffer tortures at seeing others nearer to him than
myself. No explanation seems possible, as the whole idea of
inversion is so repugnant to him, and being an honorable man he
would feel marital ties preclude _any_ warmth of affection. But
all the longing of my life seems to be culminating in a driving
force which will carry me to the male prostitute or to death. I
can concentrate my mind on nothing else, and consequently have
become inefficient in work and have no heart for play. I know if
my longings could be occasionally satisfied I should immediately
recover, but my fear is that if I killed myself those who knew me
in happier days would only be confirmed in the impression of my
degeneracy and would feel my instincts had caused it, whereas it
is the denial and starvation of them which would have brought
about the result. I know now by experience of self and others
that my disposition is congenital and that I have been rendered
unhappy myself and a cause of unhappiness to others by the too
late knowledge of myself. The example of my former friend who
married misled me to think I too _could_ marry and make a happy
home; so that