works.

Perhaps this is the best place to introduce a sheaf of miscellaneous
unpublished anecdotes which have been drawn together from various
sources. We are uncertain as to their dates, but all are authentic.
To the ladies Burton was generally charming, but sometimes he behaved
execrably. Once when he was returning alone to Trieste, a lady past
her prime, being destined for the same place, asked whether she might
accompany him. Burton, who hated taking care of anyone, frowned and
shook his head. "There can be no scandal, Captain Burton," pleaded the
lady, "because I am old."

"Madame," replied Burton, "while fully appreciating your kindness,
I must decline. Had you been young and good-looking I would have
considered the matter."

109. Burton and Mrs. Disraeli.

But Burton could be agreeable enough even to plain ladies when he
wished. In one of his books or pamphlets he had said "There is no
difference except civilization between a very old woman and an ape."
Some time after its publication, when he was the guest of Mr. and Mrs.
Disraeli, Mrs. Disraeli, herself both elderly and very plain, laid a
plan to disconcert him. She seated herself close to a low mirror, in the
hopes that Burton would presently join her. He soon fell into the trap
and was observed a few minutes later leaning over her and "doing the
amiable."

"Captain Burton," said Mrs. Disraeli, with affected annoyance, and
pointing to her reflection, "There must be an ape in the glass. Do you
not see it?"

Burton instantly recalled the remark in his book, but without exhibiting
the least disconcertion, he replied, "Yaas, yaas, Madam, quite plainly;
I see myself."

It was altogether impossible for Burton to do anything or to be in
anything without causing a commotion of some kind. Generally it was his
own fault, but sometimes the Fates were to blame. Few scenes at that
period could have been more disgraceful than those at the official
receptions held in London by the Prime Minister. Far too many persons
were invited and numbers behaved more like untutored Zulus than
civilised human beings.

"Now darling," said Mrs. Burton to her husband, just before one of these
functions, "You are to be amiable, remember, and not lose your temper."
Burton readily promised compliance, but that day, unfortunately, the
crush on the staircase was particular disgraceful. Apparently Burton,
his wife on arm, was pushed on to the train of a lady in front of him,
b