red them, "if we tax it, they'll do without it,
while if we don't, they'll trust us for a while yet." And now, at the
age of seventy-five, with uncounted millions, and ten United States
Senators, and a fourth young wife all in his pocket, he proposed to hand
his name to Immortality by simplifying the spelling of English all over
the earth. Well, let him do it if he would only do it right.

But this he must do without my assistance; there were other professors,
many of them. I did not permit the circulars that now began to pour in
from Chickle University to distract me from my index. Striking as these
circulars were--and I will instance but one of them:--

Judge, budge, ridge, acknowledge
ARE SLOW
Call in and try our Quick Spelling
Juj. Buj. Rij. Aknolej--

they went into the basket one after another. To this method of
suggestion a second was soon added, and my coat-pockets, as well as my
mail, began to be filled with spelling literature. I would go out for a
walk, and during this exercise some paper or pamphlet would be slipped
into the coat, which I would discover upon my return. I remember pulling
out a little book of verse, beginning:--

I am only a primer to teach you to spel,
Which is something that nobody does very wel.
A sweet little primer,
A dear little primer,
Sing hel, bel, tel, fel, sel, nel, quel, swel and smel.

I felt, let me confess it, annoyed the next day on returning from my
walk to find a new method of suggestion, in great charcoal letters, on
the white marble of my house-front:--

Such nuisances as
Solemn Comptroller and Wednesday
are preventing
THE KING OF SIAM
from learning English

Nor was my annoyance decreased by the further announcement that defaced
my house-front upon the day following:--

MILLIONS OF SCHOOL CHILDREN
turn away weeping from
PEOPLE MANUOEVRE DIAPHRAGM

Much should be conceded to the man who is fighting for his Immortality,
as was Masticator; but not too much. And displeasure, it may fairly be
said, began to rise in me, when I found, next morning, a page of the
primer introduced in the midst of my index:--

Of the bad English spelling you'll surely beware,
When you notice how stair, pear and heir rhyme with there;
The sad English spelling,
The mad English spelling,
Sing hi! for the mare and the mayor and the