on. _Pedicatio_ and
_fellatio_ I abhor. I love boys between the ages of 12 and 15;
they must be of my own class, refined, and lovable. I only desire
the active masculine part. I now regard my inclinations as
natural and normal to me. The difficulty is that of leading the
other party to regard it as such, besides the young age required
and clandestine nature of proceedings necessary. The moral
difficulties of circumstances are so strong that I have little
hope of ever gratifying my passion fully. I have found myself
deceived in the character of the boy twice. The last friendship
lasted three years, during which time I only saw him naked two or
three times (this caused erection), never touched him pruriently,
and only kissed him once.

"I have never found a satisfactory object of my affections, and
my happiness, perhaps my health, have been seriously injured. At
my public school a master helped me to a truer understanding of
these things. The merely animal sodomy which exists in many
public schools was unknown. What I learned of sex I learned for
myself. I am recommended to turn my aspirations to the abstract
universal maid; but so far at least I cannot do it.

"Male Greek statuary and the _Phoedrus_ of Plato have had a
great, though only confirmatory, influence on my feelings. My
ideal is that of Theocritus XIII, wherein Hercules was bringing
Hylas to the perfect measure of a man. My first thought is the
good of my friend, but, except for the good subjective influence
of passion, I have failed utterly.

"I am very tall, dark, rather strong, fond of games, though I do
not excel, owing to short sight. I am English, though I have
French blood, which may account for an unreservedly passionate
disposition. Though unlike other people, I am not in the least
feminine, nor has anyone thought so to my knowledge. I can
whistle easily and well. I am so masculine that I cannot even
conceive of passive sexual pleasure in women, much less in men.
(That is one of the difficulties in boy-love.) My affections are
inextricably bound up in the ideals of protection of one weaker
than myself. In the earlier days, when sexuality was less
conscious, this was a great source of romantic feeling, the
glamour of which is rather departing. I cannot understand love of
adult males, much less if the