more lithe and graceful fellows. People
told me that circus actors were wicked, and would steal little
boys, and so I came to look upon my favorites as half-devil and
half-angel. When I was older and could go about alone, I would
often hang around the tents of travelling shows in hope of
catching a glimpse of the actors. I longed to see them naked,
without their tights, and used to lie awake at night thinking of
them and longing to be loved and embraced by them. A certain
bareback rider, a sort of jockey, used especially to please me on
account of his handsome legs, which were clothed in fleshlings up
to his waist, leaving his beautiful loins uncovered by a
breech-clout. There was nothing consciously sensual about these
reveries, because at the time I had no sensual feelings or
knowledge. Curiously enough, the women-actors repelled me then
(as they do to this day) quite as strongly as I was attracted by
the men.

"I used, also, to take great pleasure in watching men and boys in
swimming, but my opportunities for seeing them thus were
extremely rare. I never dared let my comrades know how I felt
about these matters, but the sight of a well-formed, naked youth
or man would fill me (and does now) with mingled feelings of
bashfulness, anguish, and delight. I used to tell myself endless
stories of a visionary castle inhabited by beautiful boys, one of
whom was especially my dear chum.

"It was always the _prince_, in fairy tales, who held my interest
or affection. I was constantly falling in love with handsome boys
whom I never knew; nor did I ever try to mix in their company,
for I was abashed before them, and had no liking nor aptitude for
boyish games. Sometimes I played with girls because they were
more quiet and gentler, but I cared for them little or not at
all.

"As is usually the case, my parents neglected to impart to me any
sexual knowledge, and such as I possessed was gathered furtively
from tainted sources, bad boys' talk at school and elsewhere. My
elders let me know, in a vague way, that talk of the kind was
wicked, and natural timidity and a wish to be 'good' kept me from
learning much about sexual matters. As I never went to
boarding-school, I was spared, perhaps, many of the degrading
initiations administered by knowing boys at such institutions.