andmarks, violating the pure food law, exceeding the
speed limit and disorderly conduct. Judge, Your Honor, these
miscreants defaced our landmarks by drinking the only bottle of
champagne wine that has ever been in our village--the bottle that
for so long has graced the window of our leading hotel and was
looked on with pride and reverence by the townspeople. A bottle
that has been cherished for generations until these monsters came
with their ill-gotten gold and purchased same.

They violated the pure food law by drinking said bottle of
champagne which has been proven by the State Board of Examiners to
contain 18 per cent. alcohol. The aforesaid prisoners exceeded the
speed limit by rushing through our quiet streets at a terrific
pace, to the danger of the lives and limbs of our wives and
children.

The prisoners at the bar are charged with disorderly conduct by the
following facts: They emptied said bottle of champagne, which was
reputed to hold one quart. That bottle of said wine was emptied
completely, which is proven by your marshal, who, after the orgy in
our leading hotel, did approach a waiter of said hotel and ask for
a taste of said wine, but upon investigation the bottle was found
to be entirely empty.

The aforesaid bottle contained one whole quart of an intoxicating
beverage and was distributed among three people. Therefore, Judge,
Your Honor, the prisoners must have been intoxicated and therefore
disorderly. Your Honor, the prosecution rests its case.

Judge--Prisoners, step to the bar. You are charged with, etc., ad
lib. What have you to say before sentence is passed upon you?

Prisoners--Not a blamed word.

Judge--I find the prisoners guilty and sentence them to pay a fine
of $50, or ten days in the city prison.

Prisoners--Gee, you must be going to build a new courthouse.

Judge--Five dollars for kidding the court.

"I knew those fellows couldn't stand the strain of the $55 fine, so,
turning my back in maidenly modesty to the court, I dug down in the
lisle-thread bank and came up with a hundred dollar bill, the first one
ever seen in Emporia. I tossed it carelessly on the desk, remarking,
'Take it out of that.' You could have knocked the court's eyes off with
a club. I don't think he ever saw that much money in one group before in
his life. The clerk of the court grabbed the fresh-air fund and did a
r