it;
But, given away on every hand,
I don't quite see how to get out of it.

Ah, happy thought! My seat is safe,
And so 'mid general adulation,
I'll rescue some poor party waif
By Chiltern Hundreds resignation.

The world will quickly roar applause,
Of martyrs I shall be the latest;
But I'm the party and the cause
To whom the service will be greatest!

* * * * *

SONG OF GRATITUDE (_by a Nervous Equestrian on the exceptional absence
of 'Arry-cyclists or "Wheelmen" from the road to Wimbledon_).--

"Oh, Wheelie, have we missed you?
Oh no, no, No!"

* * * * *

[Illustration: A MATTER OF "COURSE."

_Eminent German Specialist_. "VAT VATERS 'AVE YOU BEEN IN ZE 'ABIT OF
TAKING?"

_English Gouty Patient_. "WATER! HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP, EXCEPT WITH
MY TEA, FOR THE LAST THIRTY YEARS!"

[_Upon which a mild course of Homburg, Kissengen, Marienbad, and
Karlsbad is at once prescribed._]

* * * * *

HOW INSULTAN'!

_British Envoy, Timbuctoo, to Foreign Minister, London._

No end of a row! Grand Vizier, Lord Chamberlain, Keeper of Privy
Purse, and other high Officials, assembled outside my house, and
smashed windows, aided by furious crowd. Certain that Sultan is at
bottom of it. Mayn't I say something vigorous to him?

_Foreign Minister, London, to British Envoy, Timbuctoo._

Awkward, as General Election going on. Temporise. Appear not to notice
stone-throwing. Very difficult to get to Timbuctoo with British Force.
If hit with stones, try arnica. Rather think Timbuctoo was discovered
by an Irishman, and called after him, TIM BUCKTOO. Eh?

_British Envoy to Foreign Minister._

Please don't jest; especially not in Irish. Glad to say aspect
of affairs completely changed. Sultan frightened about the
stone-throwing. Beheaded Grand Vizier, and sent Lord Chamberlain,
heavily ironed, to be imprisoned in cellar under my own apartment.
Gratifying. Treaty on point of being signed.

_Foreign Minister to British Envoy._

Your action quite approved of. Get Treaty signed quick! France, not
unnaturally, seems rather galled. See joke? Play on word "Gaul."

_British Envoy to Foreign Minister._

Quite see joke. Saw it years ago. Please don't send any more of 'em.
Treaty settled! Gives absurdly generous bounty to all British subjects
trading with Timbuctoo. Abolishes all Tariffs. Draft, with Su