's Concert_). "ACH! TOTCHESS! HOW IS IT ZAT IN ENKLAND YOUR
LATIES ARE ZOH _PEAUDIFUL_, AND YOUR CHENDLEMEN ZOH _OCKLY_?"

_Her Grace._ "TO-NIGHT NEARLY ALL THE LADIES ARE ENGLISH, COUNT, AND
THE GENTLEMEN ARE MOSTLY FOREIGN, AS IT HAPPENS!"]

* * * * *

READING THE STARS A LA MODE.

(_EXTRACT FROM THE NOTE-BOOK OF THE SECRETARY OF THE EARTH AND MARS
INTERCOMMUNICATION COMPANY, LIMITED._)

_August_ 10, 1899.--Open this book just to jot down briefly the
results of our efforts to hold a conversation with the people living
in the adjacent planet. Get a better notion by this means of what
we are doing than the minutes can afford. Shall leave this book as
an heirloom to my successors in office. In 1892, when we were last
nearest Mars (only at a distance of 35,000,000 miles or thereabouts),
we came to the conclusion that the Marsians were trying to speak to
us. They seemed to be making signals. With the assistance of our new
telescope (six times as powerful as that of seven years ago), we made
out what we took to be at first an old man waving a white hat. On more
careful inspection, found that the old man was a volcano in a state of
eruption. White hat evidently the smoke. Could distinctly locate the
ocean. Unable to discover more, as the planet went off for another
seven years' cruise.

_August_ 10, 1906.--Jot down, in compliance with the wishes of my
predecessor, the transactions of the Company. By the way, my new berth
is a very pleasant one. Have nothing to do except every seven years,
when we all have to watch Mars like anything. This time we have a
first-class telescope. Fifty times as powerful as the one of seven
years ago. Can count the hairs on a man's head at ten miles' distance.
Mars seems quite close to us. There is a first-class hotel on one
of the mountains, and apparently a very good paper, which by the way
(like everything else on the planet), is red. Distinctly made out a
man in a boat. Could not attract his attention. Stupid donkey! Have to
wait for another seven years.

_August_ 10, 1913.--Again ready. Better telescope than one in use
seven years ago. Find we can now read the Marsian newspapers. They are
written in same language as our own. Nothing in them worth quoting.
Evidently "silly season" over there as well as here. Account of
the Sea Serpent. Let off patent sky-shattering rockets, but the
inhabitants of the adjacent planet failed to observe them. They have
arr