IN AT HOME, AIN'T IT?

"I see where the Italian delegates to the Peace Conference says that if
Italy don't get Fiume, Mawruss, there would be a revolution in Italy,"
Abe Potash remarked to his partner, Morris Perlmutter.

"Any excuse is better than none," Morris Perlmutter commented, "which it
is very clear to me, Abe, that with the example of Poland in front of
them, the Italians being also a musical people and seeing that Poland
has got it a first-class A-number-one pianist like Paderewski for a
President, y'understand, they are taking the opportunity of Fiume to put
in Caruso or Scotti or one of them fellers as President."

"They would got to offer their Presidents an awful big salary if they
expect to compete with the Metropolitan Opera House, Mawruss," Abe said.

"If Poland could do it, Abe, why couldn't Italy?" Morris said. "Which
Paderewski didn't have to tune pianos on the side to make a living over
here, neither, Abe, and, besides, Abe, if they would let Caruso have a
free hand in the formation of his Cabinet, he would probably get a good
barytone for Secretary of State, a basso for Secretary of Commerce and
Labor, De Luca for Secretary of the Treasury, Martinelli for Secretary
of War, and draw on the Chicago Opera Company for Secretaries of the
Navy, the Interior, and Agriculture. After that, Abe, all the Italian
government would got to do would be to move the capital to Milan and
hold open sessions of the Cabinet at the Scala with a full orchestra,
and they could take in from ten to twenty thousand dollars at the door,
daily, in particular if they was to advertise that Caruso would
positively appear at every session of the Cabinet, y'understand."

"But, joking to one side, Mawruss," Abe declared, "while personally I
got to admit that up to a short time ago, for all I knew about Fiume,
y'understand, if somebody would of said to me suddenly, 'Fiume,' I would
have said, 'Fiume yourself, you dirty loafer!' and the chances is there
would have been a fight then and there, understand me. Still, I couldn't
help thinking that as between old friends like the Italians and perfect
strangers like the Jugo-Slobs, y'understand, Italy should ought to have
Fiume and anything else she wants within reason and even a couple of
places not within reason, if she wants them that bad."

"In deciding these things, Abe," Morris said, "Mr. Wilson couldn't
consider prejudice."

"No?" Abe retorted. "Well, could he consider who dis