dollars or ten days, y'understand, them
indorsers would got to pay the same like any other decent, respectable
people which ain't Bolsheviks. Take, for example, in Hungary and the
protelariats is making the middle class give up their bath-rooms to the
working-people every Saturday night."

"But the protelariats in New York has all got bath-rooms in their
tenement-houses, Mawruss," Abe protested.

"I know they have, but they'll probably figure that why should they
trouble themselves to empty the coal out of their bath-tubs, which is
what them protelariats now use bath-tubs for, Abe, just to save the
middle class the inconvenience of changing their bath night from
Saturday to Friday," Morris said, "but at the same time, Abe, it don't
look to me that a country which has got the modern convenience of
America is going to go Bolshevik for the next few hundred years, anyway,
because it is my idee that what makes a people become Bolsheviks is the
lack of good plumbing and savings-bank accounts, and rather as have the
privacy of their bath-rooms and their savings-bank accounts invaded,
the big majority of the American people would declare the United States
of America an obsolete monarchy with Ivan D. Ivanovitch, alias John D.
Rockafeller, Jr., as the first Czar, understand me."

"Well, if I would be the United States government I wouldn't let a
Bolshevik land exactly," Abe declared.

"What do you mean--you wouldn't let him land _exactly_?" Morris asked.

"I mean what I say," Abe said. "I would let him pretty nearly land and
then tip up the gang-plank. Also, Mawruss, if I would be the United
States government, I would allow free speech, but not free speakers,
y'understand, which I would make public speaking a profession the same
like lawyers, dentists, or doctors, because if nobody could be a public
speaker without taking a four-year course in public speaking and then
getting licensed to practise as a public speaker after passing an
examination, y'understand, he would think anyhow twice before he says
something in public which would bring him up on charges to show cause
why he shouldn't have his license to practise as a public speaker taken
away from him. In other words, Mawruss, the way I would prevent
Bolshevism is that I would make the sheepskin take the place of the
soapbox as a necessary article for public speaking, and incidentally in
the foreign neighborhoods of our big cities, y'understand, not only
would soap-boxes