be it known)
Are best severely left alone.

Commanders are a stern-eyed folk
Who may or may not take a joke;
It really isn't safe to poke
Light fun at any three-ringed bloke;
You may be sorry that you spoke.
Their ways are proud; they sport the oak;
They are not tame enough to stroke;
I greatly dread these grim-eyed folk.

Lieutenants of the R.N.V.
Were born and bred on land, not sea,
And ancient mariners like me
With sly grimace and winks of glee
Would watch them when the winds blew free,
Or send them down a cup of tea.
But soon their deeds became their plea
For standing with the Big Navee
In equal fame and dignity:
While even Subs. R.N. agree
They're better than they used to be,
These Looties of the R.N.V.

Sub-Loots are nothing if not sports;
The nicest girls in all the ports
Declare they are the best of sorts
And useful on the tennis-courts.
In gun-rooms, where their rank resorts,
They bandy quips and shrewd retorts,
And swig champagne, not pints but quarts.
I said at first that they were sports.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Headmaster_ (_interviewing new boy_). "AT WHAT SCHOOL
WERE YOU LAST, MY BOY?"

_New Boy_. "P-P-PLEASE, SIR, AT A ST-T-T-TAMMERING T-TUTOR'S"; (_feels
he is not making the best of himself_) "B-BUT THEY T-TAUGHT OTHER
THINGS BESIDES ST-T-T-TAMMERING."]

* * * * *

WITH THE RED GUARDS.

A good deal of curiosity exists regarding the management of
the Bolshevik army, in which it is stated that discipline
does not exist. A copy of Battalion Orders may therefore be
of interest:

_BATTALION ORDERS_

BY MAJOR TROTOFF

(COMMANDING THE 22ND BATTALION THE RED GUARDS).

(1) DETAIL.

Disorderly Officer--LOOT VODKAWITCH.

Next for duty (if so disposed): LOOT PUTAWAYSKY.

(2) PARADES.

The Battalion (or such of it as has no other engagement) will parade
as strong as possible on the Peter-and-Paulsky Prospekt, at 10.30 A.M.
for 9.30 A.M.

DRESS.

Barging order, with rifles, razors, knives, pokers and horsewhips.

The following scheme will be carried out:--

_General Idea_.--A few families of the Bourgeois class have taken up
a position in certain cellars in West End of City. Patrols report that
they still possess a few valuables.

_Special Idea_.--The O.C. invites the Battalion to occupy district and
help itself.

(3) COMMAND.

The