forthwith, and in view of
your gallant service I have pleasure in awarding you a bonus of two
hundred pounds in addition to your gratuity; but please understand
that this exceptional remuneration is given on the condition that you
are out of uniform within two hours."

With my feet turned out at an angle of about forty-five degrees, my
knees straight, my body erect and carried evenly over the thighs,
I saluted, about turned and marched to the door. Everything had
proceeded according to plan.

As I reached the door the Very Great Man spoke to the Great Man. "You
will draft an Army Order at once," he said, "in these words: King's
Regulations. Amendment. Para. 1696 will be amended, and the following
words deleted:--'Whiskers, if worn, will be of moderate length.'"

I am still in the Army. The truth of the matter is that what I have
described did not really happen. My nerve failed me at the door of
Mr. Nathan's. But I believe that whiskers, detachable, red, can be
obtained from Mr. Nathan for a few shillings.

* * * * *

Motto for the Anti-British _Echo de Paris_: "_Ludum insolentem ludere
PERTINAX._"

* * * * *

[Illustration: EXPERT OPINION.

FIRST BRICKLAYER (_pausing so as not to exceed his Union's speed
limit_). "BOUGHT ANY OF THESE 'OUSING BONDS, MATE?"

SECOND BRICKLAYER (_ditto_). "NOT ME; THEY'LL NEVER GET NO 'OUSES
BUILT, NOT IF THINGS GO ON THE WAY THEY'RE GOING."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Incoming Batsman_ (_to Deep Field_). "ER--AM I GOING
RIGHT FOR THE WICKET, PLEASE?"]

* * * * *

DENMARK TO HAVE A MANDATE FOR IRELAND.

SENSATION IN POLITICAL CIRCLES.

Dashing round to Downing Street on our motor-scooter we were just
in time to catch Sir PHILIP KERR by one of his coat-tails as he
was disappearing into the door of No. 10 and to ask him whether the
strange rumour as to the PRIME MINISTER'S latest project was true.

"Perfectly," replied the genial Secretary, gently disengaging us. "Mr.
LLOYD GEORGE has been greatly struck by Mr. JACK JONES'S comparison of
Lord ROBERT CECIL to OLIVER CROMWELL, and has been studying the whole
Irish Question anew from an historical standpoint. He has decided that
the mandate for Ireland ought never to have been undertaken for the
Papal See by HENRY II. STRONGBOW----"

"Let's see, wasn't he a Marathon runner?" we asked.

"You are thi