shed across a room by a girl. Finally Pa came to the wall and had
to stop, and the girl fell right across him, with her roller skates in his
neck, and she called him an old brute, and told him if he didn't let go of
her polonaise she would murder him. Just then my chum and me got there and
we amputated Pa from the girl, and lifted him up, and told him for
heaven's sake to let us take off the skates, cause he couldn't skate any
more than a cow, and Pa was mad and said for us to 'let him alone,' and he
could skate all right, and we let go and he struck out again. Well, sir, I
was ashamed. An old man like Pa ought to knonv better than to try to be a
boy. This last time Pa said he was going to spread himself, and if I am
any judge of a big spread, he did spread himself. Some how the skates had
got turned around side-ways on his feet, and his feet got to going in
different directions, and Pa's feet were getting so far apart that I was
afraid I would have two Pa's, half the size, with one leg apiece.

[Illustration: "PA GRABBED HER BY THE POLONAISE."]

"I tried to get him to take up a collection of his legs, and get them in
the same ward but his arm flew around and hit me on the nose, and I
thought if he wanted to strike the best friend he had, he could
run his old legs his self. When he began to separate I could hear the
bones crack, but maybe it was his pants, but anyway he came down on the
floor like one of these fellows in a circus who spreads hisself, and he
kept agoing and finally he surrounded an iron post with his legs, and
stopped and looked pale, and the proprietor of the rink told Pa if he
wanted to give a flying trapeze performance he would have to go to the
gymnasium, and he couldn't skate on his shoulders any more, cause other
skaters were afraid of him. Then Pa said he would kick the liver out of
the proprietor of the rink, and he got up and steaded himself, and then he
tried to kick the man, but both heels went up to wonct, and Pa turned a
back summersault and struck right on his vest in front. I guess it knocked
the breath out of him, for he didn't speak for a few minutes, and then he
wanted to go home, and we put him in a street car, and he laid down on the
hay and rode home. O, the work we had to get Pa's clothes off. He had
cricks in his back, and everywhere, and Ma was away to one of the
neighbors, to look at the presents, and I had to put liniment on Pa, and I
made a mistake and got a bottle of furniture