m with the paper brick, and my chum squirted the ketchup
on his head, and we demanded his money, and then he yelled murder, and we
lit out, and Ma and the minister, who was making a call on her, all the
afternoon, they came to the door and pulled Pa in. He said he had been
attacked by a band of robbers, and they knocked his brains out, but he
whipped them, and then Ma saw the ketchup brains oozing out of his head,
and she screamed, and the minister said. 'Good heavens, he is murdered!'
and just then I came in the back door and they sent after the
doctor, and they put Pa on the lounge, and tied up his head with a towel
to keep the brains in, and Pa began to snore, and when the doctor came in
it took them half an hour to wake him, and then he was awful sick to his
stummick, and then Ma asked the doctor if he would live, and the doc.
analyzed the ketchup and smelled of it and told Ma he would be all right
if he had a little Worcester sauce to put on with the ketchup, and when he
said Pa would pull through, Ma looked awful sad. Then Pa opened his eyes
and saw the minister and said that was one of the robbers that jumped on
him, and he wanted to whip the minister, but the doc. held Pa's arms and
Ma sat on his legs, and the minister said he had got some other calls to
make, and he wished Ma a happy new year in the hall, much as fifteen
minutes. His happy new year to Ma is most as long as his prayers. Well, we
got Pa to bed, and when we undressed him we found nine napkins in the
bosom of his vest, that he had picked up at the places where he had
called. He is all right this morning, but he says it is the last time he
will drink coffee when he makes New Years calls.

"Well, then you didn't have much fun yourself on New Years. That's too
bad," said the grocery man, as he looked at the sad eyed youth. "But you
look hard. If you were old enough I should say you had been drunk, your
eyes are red."

[Illustration: HAPPY NEW YEAR, MUM!]

"Didn't have any fun eh? Well, I wish I had as many dollars as I had fun.
You see, after Pa got to sleep Ma wanted me and my chum to go to the
houses that Pa had called at and return the napkins he had kleptomaniaced,
so we dressed up and went. The first house we called at the girls were
sort of demoralized. I don't know as I ever saw a girl drunk, but those
girls acted queer. The callers had stopped coming, and the girls were
drinking something out of shaving cups that looked like lather, and they