ure, as mere spurious imitation, but in every
respect up to the mark and the real Simon Pure.

Therefore, Hon'ble Sir, do not hesitate to strike while the iron is
incandescent and bleed freely, even if it should be necessary, prior to
engaging your humble petitioner's services, to turn out one or more of
your present contributioners crop and heels, and lay them on the shelf
of their own incompetencies. Remember that the slightest act of volition
on your part can exalt my pecuniary status to the skies, as well as
confer distinguished and unparagoned ennoblement upon your _cacoethes
scribendi_.

I remain, respected Sir, Your most obsequious Servant,

HURRY BUNGSHO JABBERJEE, B.A.

P.S. and N.B.--Being so unacquainted with the limner's art, I cannot _at
present_ undertake the etching of caricatures _et hoc genus omne_.
However, if such is your will, Hon'ble Sir, I will take the cow by the
horns, after preliminary course of instruction at Government Art School,
all expenses, &c., to be defrayed on the nail out of your purse of
Fortunatus, seeing that your esteemed correspondent is so hard up
between two stools that he is reduced to a choice of Hodson's Horse!

H. B. J.

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I

_Mr Jabberjee apologises for the unambitious scope of his
work; sundry confidences, criticisms and complaints._

When I first received intimation from the supernal and spanking hand of
Hon'ble _Mr Punch_, that he smiled with fatherly benignity at my humble
request that he should offer myself as a regular poorly-paid
contributor, I blessed my stars and was as if to jump over the moon for
jubilation and sprightfulness.

But, heigh-ho! _surgit amari aliquid_, and his condescending patronage
was dolefully alloyed with the inevitable dash of bitters which, as Poet
SHAKSPEARE remarks, withers the galled jade until it winces. For with an
iron heel has Hon'ble _Mr P._ declined sundry essays of enormous length
and importance, composed in Addisonian, Johnsonian, and Gibbonian
phraseology on assorted topics, such as "Love," "Civilisation,"
"Matrimony," "Superstition," "Is Courage a Virtue, or _Vice Versa_?" and
has recommended me instead to devote my pen to quite ephemeral and
fugacious topics, and merely commit to paper such reflections, critical
opinions, and experiences as may turn up in the potluck of my daily
career.

What wonder that on reading such a _sine qua non_ and ultimatum my _vox
faucibus