HEADED UMBRELLA, FRESH AS A ROSE."]

For which I was minded at first to address a sharp remonstrance and
claim for indemnity to some pundit in authority; but perceiving that by
such fishing in troubled waters I was the gainer of a golden-headed
umbrella, fresh as a rose, I decided to accept the olive branch and bury
the bone of contention.

III

_Mr Jabberjee gives his views concerning the
Laureateship._

It is "_selon les regles_" and _rerum natura_ that the QUEEN'S Most
Excellent Majesty, being constitutionally partial to poetry, should
desire to have constant private supply from respectable tip-top genius,
to be kept snug on Royal premises and ready at momentary notice to
oblige with song or dirge, according as High Jinks or Dolorousness are
the Court orders of the day.

But how far more satisfactory if Right Hon'ble Marquis SALISBURY,
instead of arbitrarily decorating some already notorious bard with this
"_cordon bleu_" and thus gilding a lily, should throw the office open to
competition by public exam, and, after carefully weighing such
considerations as the applicant's _res angusta domi_, the fluency of his
imagination, his nationality, and so on--should award the itching palm
of Fame to the poet who succeeded best in tickling his fancy!

Had some such method been adopted, the whole Indian Empire might to-day
have been pleased as _Punch_ by the selection of a Hindoo gentleman to
do the job--for I should infallibly have entered myself for the
running. Unfortunately such unparalleled opportunity of throwing soup to
Cerberus, and exhibiting colour-blindness, has been given the slip,
though the door is perhaps still open (even at past eleven o'clock P.M.)
for retracing the false step and web of Penelope.

For I would respectfully submit to Her Imperial Majesty that, in her
duplicate capacity of Queen of England and Empress of India, she has
urgent necessity for a Court Poet for each department, who would be
_Arcades ambo_ and two of a trade, and share the duties with their
proportionate pickings.

Or, if she would be unwilling to pay the piper to such a tune, I alone
would work the oracle in both Indian and Anglo-Saxon departments, and
waive the annual tub of sherry for equivalent in cash down.

And, if I may make the suggestion, I would strongly advise that this
question of my joint (or several) appointment should be severely taken
up by London Press as matter of simple justice to India. This