* * *

"The members at the Club dance last Saturday were rather small--but
this is only natural after four dances in 'the week' and the summer
approaching."--_Pioneer._

Certainly nothing gets the weight down so quickly.

* * * * *

THE IMPRESSING OF PERKINS.

"I hope," said my friend and host, Charles, "I hope that you'll manage to
be comfortable."

I looked round as much of the room as I could see from where I stood and
ventured also to hope that I should.

"The tap to the right," he said, indicating the amenities, "is hot water;
the left tap is cold, and the tap in the middle...."

"Lukewarm?" I asked.

"Soft water, for shaving and so on. But Perkins will see to it."

Some people can assume a sort of detached attitude in the early morning,
while body-servants get them up and dress them and send them downstairs,
but me, I confess, these attentions overawe. "Perkins is one of those
strong silent men, is he not," I asked, "who creep into one's bedroom in
the morning and steal one's clothes when one isn't looking?"

Charles has no sympathy with Spartans and did not answer. "I think you'll
find everything you want. There's a telephone by the bed." I said that I
was not given to talking in my sleep. "Then," said he, "if you prefer to
write here is the apparatus," and he pointed to a desk that would have
satisfied all the needs of a daily editor.

"Thanks," I said, looking at the attractive bed, "but I expect to be too
busy in the morning even to write." I yawned comfortably. "Though it may be
that I shall dictate, from where I lie, a note or two to my stenographer."

Charles doubted, with all solemnity, whether Perkins could manage
shorthand, but promised to enquire about it. He's a dear solid fellow, is
Charles, and he does enjoy being rich. Moreover, he means his friends to
enjoy it, too. Lastly, "If you don't find everything you want," he said,
"you've only to ring," and he pointed to a, row of pear-shaped appendages
hanging by silken cords from the cornice.

"Heavens," said I, seizing his arm, "you're never going to leave a
defenceless man alone with half-a-dozen bell-pushes!"

Charles softened; he admits to a weakness for electricity. "Some are
switches, some are bell-pushes, and one," he said, blushing, "is a
fire-alarm."

I climbed on to a chair forthwith and tied a big knot in the cord of the
fire-alarm. "We'll get that safe out of the wa