ns or his like it may seem that there were at least two
simple courses to pursue: to lie boldly and deny that I had rung; or to
tell the truth and admit that I had made a mistake. Men like Perkins,
however, are not to be lied to; still less may they be made the recipients
of confessions. Methods of self-defence were therefore unthinkable, and I
knew instinctively that I must assume the offensive. I must order him
curtly, upon his arrival, to do something. But what? As I waited anxiously
I tried to think of some service I could require at this hour. What can a
man want at 1 A.M. except to go to sleep? Even the richest must do that for
himself.

There were footsteps outside.... Perkins'.... I thought harder than I have
ever thought before, but my life seemed replete with every modern comfort.

"Yes, Sir?" said Perkins.

"Ah, is that you, Perkins?" said I to gain time, and he said it was.

I shut my eyes and tried to think. Perkins stood silent. I had some idea of
leaving it at that, of turning out the light and letting Perkins decide
upon his own course of action. I was just about to do this when I had a
brain wave. After all, he was paid to do the dirty work and not I.

At that moment I was anticipated.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Sir?" said the Model.

"There is," said I, in my most _neglige_ voice. "Kindly turn out my light."

Perkins may have been annoyed about this, but he was certainly impressed.
His demeanour suggested that he had met autocrats before but never such a
thorough autocrat as I. For the rest of my time there I pressed my trousers
in the usual way, well knowing that he would regard the process not as the
makeshift of a valetless pauper but as the eccentricity of an overstaffed
multi-billionaire.

* * * * *

The Honest Hypocrites.

"Among the most formidable foes to the reform of our industrial system
are those who pretend to be most bitterly opposed to it."

_Sunday Times._

* * * * *

Seen in a window in Clapham:--

"PAINLESS
ADVICE
FREE
EXTRACTIONS."

This "derangement of epitaphs" fails to attract us.

* * * * *

"The Counterfoil in centre must be returned to the Syndicate, which is
placed in the Large Wheel with other Subscribers' Tickets for the
Draw."--_Derby Sweep Circular._

"As formerly, the ticket-holders,