asoning in his Julienne. But doubtless you are more interested in my
two friends. I bow to your impatience. Hugh said, 'Allow me to offer you
the Lancashire relish.' Arthur said, 'After you.' Hugh was piqued at this
attempt to cheat his conscience out of a good mark. 'By no means,' he
insisted. But Arthur, with a firm smile of politeness, only repeated,
'After you.'

"Hugh stuck out, and Arthur remained adamant. The contest lasted for nine
days. On the first day Hugh was studiedly courteous. It was, 'I could not
dream, my dear Arthur,' et-cetera. On the second day he was visibly
aggravated. It was, 'But, my dear Arthur, confess now, was it not I who
offered you the Lancashire relish first?' On the third day he was ominously
calm. It was, 'You had better help yourself to the Lancashire relish,
Arthur.' On the fourth day he was frankly fierce. It was, 'By heaven,
Arthur, if you don't take some Lancashire relish...." And the only words in
Arthur's vocabulary all that time wore, 'After you! After you!' On the
fifth day they came to grips on the floor, and through the sixth day and
the seventh they swayed without separating. I suspect that the strain of
this tussle assisted starvation to its victory. On the eighth day they were
too weak for combat; they could only glare at each other passionately from
opposite corners of the room; and on the ninth day came the end.

"Arthur held out the longer--he had, you see, wasted less breath. When he
saw Hugh gasping in the penultimate throes of death, he mustered sufficient
strength to clutch the bottle, and even to crawl over to his friend's side.
Hugh saw him coming and shut his teeth. Arthur was too feeble to prize them
open with his hands, but he had no difficulty in knocking out a couple with
the butt end of the bottle, and with a faint groan of triumph he succeeded
in pouring the contents down the cavity just before Hugh breathed his last.

"The exertion naturally hastened his own end. He made an effort to reach
the well-stocked table of viands, but expired on the way, murmuring a final
and, as it strikes me, rather too dramatic 'After you!'"

"When you have quite done with the cabbage," I rapped out....

* * * * *

Commercial Candour.

"Our illustration is of an exclusive model which we can fake in the
latest fabrics for 3-1/2 guineas."

_Advt. in "Dewsbury District News._"

* * * * *

[Illust