The night-watchman was aroused."

A shame to disturb the poor fellow's sleep.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Squire._ "WELL, MATTHEW, AND HOW ARE YOU NOW?"

_Convalescent._ "THANKEE, SIR, I BE BETTER THAN I WERE, BUT I BEANT AS WELL
AS I WERE AFORE I WAS AS BAD AS I BE NOW."]

* * * * *

ASKING FOR IT.

The big clock in the station pointed three minutes to the hour, and my
train went at one minute past, so I didn't waste words with the man in the
booking-office.

"Third r'turn, Wat'loo."

Nothing happened. He was there all right, but he neither spoke nor made any
attempt to give me my ticket; he merely looked.

"Third r'turn, Wat'loo," I repeated, and again, inserting my face as far as
possible into the window, very firmly, distinctly and offensively. "Third
re-turn, Wat-er-loo."

Then he spoke, slowly. "Sorry, Sir, I can't do it. You have hit on the one
station to which we don't issue tickets. Any other one I could manage for
you, but----"

"Look here," I said sternly, "you don't seem to know your business. If you
haven't got a printed ticket, can't you make one out on paper? Hurry up,
man; my train leaves in a minute or two."

"Yes," he said more slowly than ever, "I could do that--we have blank forms
for that purpose; but all the same I won't do it."

"Oh, you won't? And why?"

"Well, I don't know what the fare is. I----"

"All right," I said. "You don't appear to be drunk, so I imagine you're
trying to be funny. As your sense of humour doesn't correspond with mine I
shall take great pleasure in reporting you to the station-master;" and I
prepared to stalk off.

"Wait a moment, please," he said, leaning a bit forward and dropping his
voice to a confidential whisper, "I'll give you a tip. You don't want a
ticket at all, Sir; you can get there for nothing."

"What do you mean?" said I.

"It needn't cost you a halfpenny," he went on, smiling. "It's not many
lines that have a station like this, but we----"

And then, but not until then, did I realise where I was.

"Oh," I said, "er--third return--er--Surbiton."

I don't think railway ticket-mongers ought to be allowed to have a sense of
humour.

* * * * *

IN A GOOD CAUSE.

_Mr. Punch_ ventures to remind his readers that the Centenary dinner of the
Artists' General Benevolent Institution is to be held on May 6th, under the
chairmanship of H.R.H. PRIN