und, he would have got her twenty
dollars, sure.

"But you had better take half and trust for the other half than to get
nothing at all," I remonstrated.

"Yes," said the Doctor, still unconvinced, "and it wouldn't be but a few
days till everybody would be owing us; and we never could collect a
cent."

I saw the utter uselessness and foolishness of an argument with him, and
said no more and let him swear it out.

Among other ills that the Doctor claimed to be an expert at treating,
was deafness, and we so advertised.

In a day or two an old lady called while the Professor was out.

She asked if I were the Doctor, and turned her left ear to catch my
reply.

I answered in a professional manner: "Madam, you are deaf."

"Well, you are right, Doctor, so I am; and I thought I would run in and
see if you could help me."

I stepped to the Doctor's instrument case, and picking up some sort of a
weapon, returned to the old lady, and stretching first one ear open and
then the other, after making sure that she always turned her left ear to
me to hear, I said:

"Madam, the drum of your right ear is almost entirely destroyed, and I
am certain there is no help for it; but I can surely help your left
ear."

[Illustration: MADAM, THE DRUM OF YOUR RIGHT EAR IS ALMOST ENTIRELY
DESTROYED.--PAGE 297.]

"Well, Doctor, I think you know your business, for I certainly can
scarcely hear with my right ear. How much will it cost?"

"Ten dollars."

"Well, I don't want to pay out so much now, as I have already been to so
much expense with it."

"Well, you pay me five dollars, and owe me the balance, to be paid on
condition that I help you."

She agreed to this, and handed me that amount. I was at a loss to know
what to give her, and in a constant fear that the Doctor would make his
appearance and spoil it all.

I excused myself, and stepping back to the "laboratory," began searching
for something. At last I happened to think of a French moustache wax I
had in one of my pockets, with which to train my young and struggling
moustache. I quickly brought forth the box, soaked the paper label, and
after removing it, smoothed the top of the pomade nicely over, wrapped
it in paper, and gave it to her with directions for use; and invited her
to call again and let me know how she got along. (As I recall this
experience, my only cause for self-congratulation is, that what I gave
her would do her no harm, if it did no good.)

She had n