e ballroom, and it
is here that Gwendoline comes during the lanciers and encounters
Hartley, the villain. Do you suppose that even a villain in an
amateur show would go to a ball with spiked shoes on?

Perkins (wearily). But I still fail to see what is to spoil the rug.
Does the villain set fire to the conservatory in this play, or does
he assassinate the virtuous hero here and spill his gore on the
floor?

Bradley. What a blood-and-thunder idea of the drama you have! Of
course he doesn't. There isn't a death in the whole play, and it's
two hours long. One or two people in the audience may die while the
play is going on, but people who haven't strong constitutions
shouldn't attend amateur shows.

Mrs. Perkins. That's true, I fancy.

Mrs. Bradley. Very. It would be very rude for one of your invited
guests to cast a gloom over your evening by dying.

Yardsley. It is seldom done among people who know what is what. But
to explain the point you want explained, Thaddeus: the rug might be
spoiled by a leak in the fountain.

Mrs. Perkins. The fountain?

Perkins. You don't mean to say you're going to have a fountain
playing here?

Bradley. Certainly. A conservatory without a fountain would be like
"Hamlet" with Yorick's skull left out. There's to be a fountain
playing here, and a band playing in the next room--all in a green
light, too. It'll be highly effective.

Perkins. But how--how are you going to make the fountain go? Is it
to spurt real water?

Yardsley. Of course. Did you ever see a fountain spurt sawdust or
lemonade? It's not a soda-water fountain either, but a straight
temperance affair, such as you'll find in the homes of all truly good
people. Now don't get excited and raise obstacles. The thing is
simple enough if you know how to do it. Got one of those English
bath-tubs in the house?

Perkins. No. But, of course, if you want a bath-tub, I'll have a
regular porcelain one with running water, hot and cold, put in--two
of 'em, if you wish. Anything to oblige.

Yardsley. No; stationary bath-tubs are useful, but not exactly
adapted to a conservatory.

Barlow. I brought my tub with me. I knew Perkins hadn't one, and so
I thought I'd better come provided. It's out in the hall. I'll get
it. [Exit.

Mrs. Bradley (to Mrs. Perkins). He's just splendid! never forgets
anything.

Mrs. Perkins. I should say not. But, Mr. Yardsley, a bath-tub, even
an English one, will no