upper, it'll be
all right. I have observed that the principal factors of success at
amateur dramatics are an expert manipulation of the curtain, and a
first-class feed to put the audience in a good-humor afterwards.
Even if Martenelli does go back on us, you'll have me with the
curtain--

Mrs. Perkins. Thaddeus!

Yardsley. By Jove! that's a good idea--we have got you. You can
read Henderson's part!

Perkins. What--I?

Barlow. Certainly.

Bradley. Just the very thing.

Miss Andrews. Splendid idea.

Perkins. Oh--but I say--I can't, you know. Nonsense! I can't read.

Yardsley. I've often suspected that you couldn't, my dear Thaddeus;
but this time you must.

Perkins. But the curtain--the babies--the audience--the ushing--the
fire department--it is too much. I'm not an octopus.

Barlow (taking him by the arm and pushing him into chair). You can't
get out of it, Ted. Here--read up. There--take my book.

[Thrusts play-book into his hand.

Bradley. Here's mine, too, Thaddeus. Read 'em both at once, and
then you'll have gone over it twice.

[Throws his book into Perkins's lap.

Perkins. I tell you--

Mrs. Perkins. Just this once, Teddy--please--for me.

Yardsley. You owe it to your position, Perkins. You are the only
man here that knows anything about anything. You've frequently said
so. You were doing it all, anyhow, you know--and you're host--the
audience are your guests--and you're so clever and--

Perkins. But--

Enter Jennie.

Jennie. Dinner is served, ma'am. [Exit.

Yardsley. Good! Perk, I'll be your under-study at dinner, while you
are studying up. Ladies and gentlemen, kindly imagine that I am
host, that Perkins does not exist. Come along, Mrs. Bradley. Miss
Andrews, will you take my other arm? I'll escort Lady Amaranth and
the maid out. We'll leave the two Featherheads to fight it out for
the Lady Ellen. By-by, Thaddeus; don't shirk. I'll come in after
the salade course and hear you, and if you don't know your lesson
I'll send you to bed without your supper.

[All go out, leaving Perkins alone.

Perkins (forcing a laugh). Ha! ha! ha! Good joke, confound your
eyes! Humph! very well. I'll do it. Whole thing, eh? Curtain,
babies, audience, host. All right, my noble Thespians, wait!
(Shakes fist at the door.) I _will_ do the whole thing. Wait till
they ring you up, O curtain! Up you will go, but then--then will I
come forth and read that book fr