not better to be
drunk than sober; but it is happier. Goodness is not happiness. That is
an epigram. But I have overdone this. I am too sober to be good company.
Let me redress the balance. [He takes a generous draught of brandy, and
recovers his geniality.] Aha! That's better. And now listen, darling.
You must not come to Court with pistols in your boots.

EDSTASTON. I have found them useful.

PATIOMKIN. Nonsense. I'm your friend. You mistook my intention because
I was drunk. Now that I am sober--in moderation--I will prove that I
am your friend. Have some diamonds. [Roaring.] Hullo there! Dogs, pigs:
hullo!

The Sergeant comes in.

THE SERGEANT. God be praised, Little Father: you are still spared to us.

PATIOMKIN. Tell them to bring some diamonds. Plenty of diamonds. And
rubies. Get out. [He aims a kick at the Sergeant, who flees.] Put up
your pistols, darling. I'll give you a pair with gold handgrips. I am
your friend.

EDSTASTON [replacing the pistols in his boots rather unwillingly]. Your
Highness understands that if I am missing, or if anything happens to me,
there will be trouble.

PATIOMKIN [enthusiastically]. Call me darling.

EDSTASTON. It is not the English custom.

PATIOMKIN. You have no hearts, you English! [Slapping his right breast.]
Heart! Heart!

EDSTASTON. Pardon, your Highness: your heart is on the other side.

PATIOMKIN [surprised and impressed]. Is it? You are learned! You are
a doctor! You English are wonderful! We are barbarians, drunken pigs.
Catherine does not know it; but we are. Catherine's a German. But I have
given her a Russian heart [he is about to slap himself again.]

EDSTASTON [delicately]. The other side, your Highness.

PATIOMKIN [maudlin]. Darling, a true Russian has a heart on both sides.

The Sergeant enters carrying a goblet filled with precious stones.

PATIOMKIN. Get out. [He snatches the goblet and kicks the Sergeant out,
not maliciously but from habit, indeed not noticing that he does it.]
Darling, have some diamonds. Have a fistful. [He takes up a handful and
lets them slip back through his fingers into the goblet, which he then
offers to Edstaston.]

EDSTASTON. Thank you, I don't take presents.

PATIOMKIN [amazed]. You refuse!

EDSTASTON. I thank your Highness; but it is not the custom for English
gentlemen to take presents of that kind.

PATIOMKIN. Are you really an Englishman?

EDSTASTON [bows]!

PATIOMKIN. You are the first Englishman I ever sa