. In England, sir, a gentleman never faces any facts if they
are unpleasant facts.

PATIOMKIN. In real life, darling, all facts are unpleasant. [Greatly
pleased with himself.] Another epigram! Where is my accursed chancellor?
these gems should be written down and recorded for posterity. [He rushes
to the table: sits down: and snatches up a pen. Then, recollecting
himself.] But I have not asked you to sit down. [He rises and goes to
the other chair.] I am a savage: a barbarian. [He throws the shirt and
coat over the table on to the floor and puts his sword on the table.] Be
seated, Captain.

EDSTASTON Thank you.

They bow to one another ceremoniously. Patiomkin's tendency to grotesque
exaggeration costs him his balance; he nearly falls over Edstaston, who
rescues him and takes the proffered chair.

PATIOMKIN [resuming his seat]. By the way, what was the piece of advice
I was going to give you?

EDSTASTON. As you did not give it, I don't know. Allow me to add that I
have not asked for your advice.

PATIOMKIN. I give it to you unasked, delightful Englishman. I remember
it now. It was this. Don't try to become Tsar of Russia.

EDSTASTON [in astonishment]. I haven't the slightest intention--

PATIOMKIN. Not now; but you will have: take my words for it. It will
strike you as a splendid idea to have conscientious scruples--to desire
the blessing of the Church on your union with Catherine.

EDSTASTON [racing in utter amazement]. My union with Catherine! You're
mad.

PATIOMKIN [unmoved]. The day you hint at such a thing will be the day of
your downfall. Besides, it is not lucky to be Catherine's husband. You
know what happened to Peter?

EDSTASTON [shortly; sitting down again]. I do not wish to discuss it.

PATIOMKIN. You think she murdered him?

EDSTASTON. I know that people have said so.

PATIOMKIN [thunderously; springing to his feet]. It is a lie: Orloff
murdered him. [Subsiding a little.] He also knocked my eye out; but
[sitting down placidly] I succeeded him for all that. And [patting
Edstaston's hand very affectionately] I'm sorry to say, darling, that if
you become Tsar, I shall murder you.

EDSTASTON [ironically returning the caress]. Thank you. The occasion
will not arise. [Rising.] I have the honor to wish your Highness good
morning.

PATIOMKIN [jumping up and stopping him on his way to the door]. Tut tut!
I'm going to take you to the Empress now, this very instant.

EDSTASTON. In these boots? Im