and the warm, soft pressure of his thighs had an
unspeakable effect on me.

"About this time, too, an older boy, perhaps about 18, used to
get hold of smaller boys when on country walks, to throw them
down and then look at and toy with their genitals. He was
himself a handsome boy, and I was greatly excited when told about
this by boys who had experienced it, and wished greatly to have
it done to me. It never was; and if it had been attempted I know
I should have resisted with all my strength, although my desires
would have set me aflame. This boy died before he was 20, with a
psoas abscess, and I remember crying myself to sleep the night I
learned of his death. Another boy, about three years older than
myself, who had very silky hair, I used to be attracted by and I
was always trying to stroke his hair, but he always objected.

"I must have been about 12 when I first was taught to masturbate
by a cousin who was slightly older. At first I thought it silly,
but I used to watch him at it, and practised it myself from time
to time until I became old enough to experience the proper
sensation. Then I have reason to think I gave myself up to it
rather freely, but it was generally done in solitude, although it
was long before I realized that there was anything wrong about it
or that it might prove hurtful. Looking back now, I feel
perfectly certain that my instincts were wholly homosexual from
the very first. This cousin, who possessed notable intellectual
and artistic gifts, married, but I feel sure his liking for his
own sex was not normal.

"With another cousin, almost years my junior, I was always on
terms of the most affectionate intimacy. My holidays at his
parents' house were my greatest delight. We were always together
by night or day; we slept in the same bed, literally in each
other's arms. To me it afforded the keenest sexual pleasure to
press close to his naked body. We used mutually to handle and
caress our parts, but without any attempt at mutual masturbation,
although at that period I regularly practised it on myself. I
asked him once about it, but he had not been taught it by others;
and to my great pride and satisfaction I can say that I never
either did it to him or asked him to do it to me. This I mention
as an instance of my restraint in act, although my thou