yself, anxious to feel, and see her cunt, and though I had at last
asked her to let me fuck her; I really don't think I had any definite
expectation of doing it to her. I guessed now at its mutual pleasures,
and so forth, yet my doing it to her appeared beyond me; but urged on by
my love for the girl--for I did love her--as well as by sexual instinct,
I determined to try. I also was quickened by my college friend, who had
seen Charlotte at our house and not knowing it was the girl I had spoken
to him about, said to me, "What a nice girl that maid of yours is, I
mean to get over her, I shall wait for her after church next Sunday, she
sits in your pew I know." I asked him some questions,--his opinion was
that most girls would let a young fellow fuck them, if pressed and that
she would (this youth was but about eighteen years old), and I left him
fearing what he said was true, hating and jealous of him to excess. He
set me thinking, why should not I do it if he could, and if what he said
about girls was true,--so I determined to try it on, and by luck did so
earlier than I expected.

About one hour's walk from us, was the town house of an aunt, the
richest of our family, and one of my mother's sisters. She alone now
supplied me with what money I had, my mother gave me next to nothing.
I went to see aunt, who asked me to tell my mother, to come and spend
a day with her, the next week, and named the day. I forgot this until
three days afterwards, when hearing my mother tell the cook, she could
go out for a whole holiday! I said, that my aunt particularly wished
to see mother on that day. My mother scolded me for not having told her
sooner, but wrote and arranged to go, forgetting the cook's holiday.
To my intense joy, on that day she took brother Tom with her, saying to
Charlotte, "You will have nothing to think of, but the house, shut it
up early, and do not be frightened." I was as usual to fetch my mother
home.

In what an agitated state I passed that morning at school, and in the
afternoon went home, trembling at my intentions. Charlotte's eyes opened
with astonishment at seeing me. Was I not going to fetch my mother?
I was not going till night. There was no food in the house, and I had
better go to my aunt's for dinner. I knew there was cold meat, and made
her lay the cloth in the kitchen. To make sure, I asked if cook was
out,--yes, she was, but would be home soon. I knew that she stopped
out till ten o'clock on her h