are usually, but not always, birds, and include wily
wagtails, larks, canary birds and the crested earwig. Poets, music
hall comedians and cats may also be included in this category. Dogs
are imperative and dashing wooers, but they seldom sing. Peacocks
expand their tails before the astonished gaze of their brides, showing
how the female sex is over-borne by minor, unimportant advantages.
Frogs, I believe, make love in the dark, which is a wise thing for them
to do--they are very witty folk, but confirmed sentimentalists.
Grocers' assistants attract their mates by exposing very tall collars
and brown boots. Drapers' assistants follow suit, with the comely
addition of green socks and an umbrella--they are never known to fail.
Some creatures do not marry at all. At a certain period they break in
two halves, and each half, fully equipped for existence, waggles away
from the other.--They are the only perfectly happy folk of whom I am
aware. For myself, I was born single and I will remain so, I will
never be a slave to the disgusting habit of matrimony."

Having said this with great firmness, the old gentleman shed two more
buttons from his waistcoat, and, after sticking three nails and a piece
of twine through his garments, he departed very happily. The
gentleman-in-waiting sneezed three times in a loud voice, and gave a
war-whoop, but I took no notice of these impertinences.

II

I had not seen the old gentleman for a long time, and when he entered
with one foot in a boot and the other in a carpet slipper, I was
overjoyed. When the bubbling tankard which I had ordered was placed
before him he seized my two hands, wrung them heartily and dashed into
the following subject--

"It must be remembered," said he, "that dancing is not an art but a
pastime, and should, therefore, be freed from the too-burdensome
regulations wherewith an art is encumbered. An art is a
highly-specialised matter hedged in on every side by intellectual
policemen, a pastime is not specialised, and never takes place in the
presence of policemen, who are well known to be the sworn enemies of
gaiety. For example, theology is an art but religion is a pastime: we
learn the collects only under compulsion, but we sing anthems because
it is pleasant to do so. Thus, eating oysters is an art by dint of the
elaborate ceremonial including shell-openers, lemons, waiters and
pepper, which must be grouped around your oyster before you can
conveniently swallow